Page 115 of Carousel

“Not even in the Palace?”

I shake my head.

He grins. “You don’t know what you’re missing. We get shown how to give them, for our muscles after training.” He places a hand on my shoulder. “Here. Just relax.”

He guides me so I’m lying down flat on my front, the sand warming me. He sits over me and begins kneading the skin on my shoulders and back. I’m hyper-aware of everywhere his fingers are.

I can feel my muscles loosening already. I sigh.

And then I’m aware of another sensation growing in my body. It comes with heat, and tingling. I’m starting to get very used to feeling it.

“Cosmer,” I say, gently. “Can you stop for a second?”

He does, and I turn myself around.

He gasps, as if seeing me for the first time. His eyes travel over my body. Half of me wants to fold my arms, cover up. But I stay still. Let him look at me, a flush creeping into my face.

I reach for his shoulders. Bring him closer to me.

“If we…” I start, then let the sentence fall away.

How do I even ask for what I want right now? I wish I’d had an older sister or female friend, someone to learn these things from. Someone who could tell me I didn’t need to feel the shame I was feeling.

While in Hevalla, you must remain intact.

But we’re not in Hevalla anymore. We’re on a desert island in the middle of exactly nowhere. For right now, this moment, we could be the king and queen of it.

I swallow. Start again. “If we…”

“Made love?” Cosmer guesses.

“I wouldn’t want to get pregnant.”

Cosmer shakes his head. “They plan for that. They know stuff can happen when we’re all living in close quarters – even though it’s technically frowned upon. But, I guess they can’t take the risk of ship babies. So, we’re all given a tonic – I would use it on you.”

My mouth feels drier than the sand. “So, I could have you?”

He leans over me even more. His face is right above mine.

“However, and wherever, you wanted.”

I chew my bottom lip. “Does the tonic hurt?”

“It didn’t hurt the women I’ve used it on, no. Just made them more wet, if anything.”

The sentence stings me like an insect bite. I shift from under him.

He straightens up, sucking air. “Cosmos. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have phrased it like that.”

“It’s okay,” I decide to say, because this shouldn’t be coming as a surprise to me. I murmur under my breath reluctantly, “I gathered you knew what you were doing.”

He’s blushing. But he also looks agitated. “It’s a stress reliever on the ship – and you know how stressful it gets up there. That’s all.”

I blink. “One of the women wasn’t Meg, was it?”

He snorts. “Meg? What, no. Of course not. Why would you think that?”

“You just seemed to be talking to her a lot at the morale booster.”