Page 19 of Playing Santa

“I don’t want to intrude on your family’s Christmas. Maybe another time.” The way his face deflates, the way he tries to hide his disappointment with a forced brave smile, hurts me because I don’t want to hurt him. He’s made himself so vulnerable going out on a limb with his invitation, not asking for anything in return.

“You wouldn’t be intruding, Ronnie. I promise.” His voice is soft. “When was the last time you had a big family Christmas celebration?”

“Never.” It was true. I was an only child and my parents never celebrated with my Aunt and Uncle and I understand now why they were never close.

He reaches out and touches my arm. My skin warms and his fingertips send a sizzle of desire through me.

“Why, Sean? Why do you want to do this for me and Jimmy? Because we’re a charity case?”

“No.” He shakes his head violently, keeps his eyes on mine with savage intensity. “Not at all. I imagine there are lots of single mom’s with kids out there who are equally deserving of a lift up.” He’s serious, smile gone. The muscle in his jaw tics and my insides flutter with anticipation because whatever he’s going to tell me now, I know he means from the depths of his soul.

“Because I think you and Jimmy are special. I feel a connection to both of you and not only because of Dasher.” He licks his lips and I’m not prepared for whatever he’s going to say next, so I turn away. But he catches my cheek with his hand and gently turns my head to face him.

“What I feel for you is far more. I’m so attracted to you it’s insane. I think about you constantly since we met.” He whispers, “I want you, Ronnie.”

Dizziness hits me, but it’s the good kind, the kind I haven’t felt since… never. Since maybe when I was a kid at Christmas before my parents died. The kind of euphoria I thought was dead. I’ve only had glimpses whenever I’ve seen Jimmy’s face light up with the kind of simple joy only kids have the ability to experience. Like whenever he sees Dasher. And Sean. This man makes my son happy.

“I’ll think about it.”

One side of his mouth tips up and then he lowers his mouth until his lips cover mine and the whole world tilts. His mouth is luscious, the taste of him, hot. I lean into him, feel his solidness, his strength, his sinful excitement runs through me. Before I can lose myself completely to the feeling of our tongues mingling and exploring, or give into the tantalizing sensations and the raw intimacy, I force myself to push away, ending the kiss on an irrepressible moan.

Jimmy stirs and I rush to the couch to gently nudge him awake. “Time to go Jimmy.”

Sean insists on taking us home, so I don’t argue. He carries Jimmy inside our small apartment. I’m proud of it even if it is small and cheaply furnished. It’s tidy and clean and bright and cheery. I have a salvaged plastic wreath on my door and some garland framing the archway between the living and kitchen areas. It’s simple by his standards, but it’s mine and I feel at home. His eyes immediately go to the old mixer sitting on the counter because I have nowhere to store it.

“You working on something?” he whispers. With Jimmy in his arms, he walks right over as if he owns the place. There’s nothing shy about him. He’s all brash and assumes the world will accept him and whatever he does. I have a feeling he doesn’t care either way. Good philosophy to have if you can afford it. I want to be that way, I try to be that way. I do things on my own terms, for myself and Jimmy, try to ignore the world and whatever setbacks it throws back at me.

But I need to remind myself that this has been a good year. Jimmy’s settled in a good catholic school, I’m working full time at the shelter and we have our own place. Life is stable. We’ve come a long way. Now if I could save up to move to a bigger place, life would be really good. A place with a good full kitchen that allows dogs.

“Yes, actually. I make a cake once a week. I’m into baking. I’d love to do it professionally someday.” WTF? I’ve not told another living soul it was my secret dream. Heat and anticipation flood me.

“That is so cool.” He turns to me, looking delighted, but not exactly shocked. I expected disbelief.

“You’re really good at cake. You have a secret ingredient or special recipe?” He teases as I show him to Jimmy’s room and laugh. When Sean lays Jimmy in his bed, he wakes up.

“Say goodnight, Jimmy.”

Sean squats next to the bed and gives him a hug. “Get a good sleep, kid. See you tomorrow for another walk.” Jimmy smiles and hugs him back.

“Good-night, Sean. I love you.”

My insides twist. Just like that, Mr. Sure insinuates himself into my son’s heart. And he makes plans to see Jimmy without a discussion, without hesitation, assuming he can, assuming I don’t mind.

Do I mind? Why should I mind? Aside from him paying me an absurd amount of money for dog-sitting, I’m not sure, but there’s hesitation in me, the feeling of dread, like something’s going to go terribly wrong and Jimmy will get terribly hurt. Like I was when I lost my parents those years ago. I shudder thinking of how I survived after the isolation, having no one who loved me, and after my aunt and uncle abandoned me, having no one take care of me. Damn it. I took care of myself. For a short while.

Then I let Jimmy’s father, Mack take care of me, depended on him. Then he deserted me and Jimmy both.

But I can’t regret that time because without Mack, I wouldn’t have Jimmy.

So what’s the lesson? Do I depend on another man or not?

Not. Don’t count on anyone but yourself.

He’s lounging on my couch—which doubles as my bed—when I come out of the bedroom after tucking Jimmy in. My insides flip and heat rushes through me, causing such intense pulses of desire I wonder if I’ll be able to ask him to leave. I wonder why I should bother asking him to leave? Don’t I deserve some fun?

But I know this isn’t fun, not casual sex because I’m hot for the guy. I know this because I’ve never felt this hot for another man in my life. I know this because there’s something else between us and it can’t be casual. We can’t fool around tonight and say good-bye because he’s planning to see Jimmy tomorrow. Because Jimmy wants to see him.

What if I get entangled and let my emotions go wild? What happens when he moves on because I’m not the kind of woman he’d ever settle for? I’m a poor girl who barely got her GED, a single mother who lived the last five years in a rooming house, who was abandoned by her relatives and her husband. A girl who no one wants, not really. Except Jimmy.