Page 36 of Creeping Beautiful

I will lose her.

She will run away and this time she might not ever come back.

She gets up from the couch, crosses the room, and stands in front of me. I look up at her and wait.

“Can I sit with you, McKay?”

I know what the right answer is. The same answer it’s always been—except for that one time on her twentieth birthday.

But I say, “Sure,” anyway.

Because I don’t want to lose her again. Not tonight. Not tomorrow. Not ever.

She settles in my lap, one arm around my neck, her legs sideways over my thighs, her head tucked under my chin. And when I wrap my arms around her, I know there’s no going back. Once I cross this line for real, all this pretending is over.

I just don’t care anymore.

I want her.

My hand slips down to her thigh and I begin rubbing it.

Indie turns her cheek and a chill runs through my whole body when her lips touch my neck.

I sigh.

“You were always my favorite, you know that, McKay?”

“Lies,” I whisper back. “You always loved Donovan more.”

“That’s not true. It was always you. But you were so… so… focused.”

“Focused?” I smile.

“Yeah. On doing the right thing.”

I lean back a little and push her away. “What the hell are you talking about? The right thing? I can’t think of a single fucking time in my entire life when I did the right thing.”

“You did the right thing with me all the time. That’s why we’re not together.”

I’m not sure if she’s joking right now or this is just her unreliable memory talking. “Indie. Come on. I taught you how to kill people. In no way, shape, or form did I ever do the right thing with you.”

“You didn’t want to fuck me.”

“Stop that. Just… stop that.”

“It’s true. You drove me to Nathan St. James. He was all I had.”

“That’s funny. He was all you wanted. He was your number one. Not me.”

“When I was little.” She snuggles up against me again. “But not later. It was always you. And you just… never wanted me.”

I want to tell her everything. That she is everything to me. I want to make all these years fit together inside her head and make sense for once. I want to force her to open up and understand all the reasons why I did the things I’ve done.

“And when I left you never even looked for me. I could’ve used you, ya know.”

“Literally? Used me?”

“Not just literally. All the ways. But yes. There were so many times that I needed you, McKay. And you weren’t there.”