Page 124 of Creeping Beautiful

I kissed Adam in the hallway. Nathan St. James wasn’t even down the driveway yet with our daughter when I rose up on my tiptoes and put my mouth right on Adam’s. When he placed his hands on my face and leaned into it.

McKay was just two feet away. Shifting his feet, and his gaze, and wondering if he should make me stop. But what would that mean?

He didn’t know. Or he did, and couldn’t admit it.

I was looking right at Donovan when I kissed Adam. He would be the easiest to turn because he was the least invested in what happened tomorrow.

But would he come back for more?

I didn’t know.

I didn’t have any idea why they were still here with me.

When I pulled away from Adam his eyes were closed. And they didn’t open right away. It was like he was still there. Still lingering in the moment when our lips touched.

When his eyes finally did open, I could see myself in them. A distorted shadow of a girl. Something black and not altogether whole. She scared me. She still scares me. Every time I see myself in a window, or a mirror, or a drinking glass, I am afraid of the monster looking back.

But his gaze held me captive. Forced me to see the girl I’ve been trying to outrun my whole life.

I went still. And then I made another executive decision. Just like that time Johnny Boston captured me and held me prisoner on that yacht.

I let that girl in.

Or maybe I should say… I let her out.

It was time.

McKay broke the silence when he said, “What the fuck was that?”

Adam brought the back of his hand up to his mouth and made a fist. He held it there against his lips like he was coming to terms with something. And he would not look away from me. So I kept looking at that shadow girl reflected in his eyes. I could not unsee her now.

Donovan let out a long sigh. I figured this was the moment when Donovan walked out for good. Cut his losses and said goodbye. Or maybe just left without saying anything. Because he is smart. And he knows about the lovely darkness hiding inside me. He sees my gorgeous misery.

But he didn’t move. Just stayed right where he was.

Adam looked away first and broke the spell the shadow girl had over me. At least for a moment.

“Adam?” McKay was still asking his question.

But Adam just looked at me, then at McKay, and said, “I don’t know.”

Then someone said, “You know,” and I realized it was me saying that. Or some part of me, at least. And she kept talking. “You all know. We all know what’s going on here. Why do we have to keep pretending? Why can’t we just… accept it? And be who we are?”

“What are you… talking about?” Donovan was confused. I understood that. He was not a cold man. Not really. He was fun, and he smiled, and he helped me through lots of things. But he was like me in a lot of ways.

Detached and far away.

Then McKay walked across the foyer, opened up the door, and walked out.

I panicked. Because McKay was not the one who was supposed to walk out.

Donovan was. I could deal with Donovan. I could lure him back with the promise of secrets.

But I never had control of McKay like that.

I looked at Adam and said, “Stop him. You have to stop him.”

Adam looked at the door, which McKay didn’t even bother to slam behind him, and then back at me. “What am I supposed to tell him, Indie? What exactly do you see happening here?”