Page 81 of Johnny

I should have a lot of feelings about this. I should have this empty space in my heart for the woman

who gave me life. But I don’t. Because I was told not to. My life has been directed since the moment I

was born. I was given a purpose on that day—daughter of a researcher—and just like the feudal class

systems of medieval times, that’s where I stayed. There was never any discussion about alternative

paths in life. Never once was I asked the question, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

And the really fucked-up part is that that I didn’t care. I spent almost my entire twenty-five years on

this planet just… accepting things.

The Way breeds their children very carefully. My father was a researcher for a reason. He came

from a long line of researchers, and I’m certain my mother was chosen for her analytical skills and

not her beauty.

Though one of the working women on the island once told me my mother was beautiful. She told

me I looked like her. Told me I would grow up to be a knockout. And my childlike curiosity about who and what I was started rearing its ugly head that day.

But it was brief. I asked my father if he had any pictures of my mother. I told him I wanted to see if

we looked alike.

That working woman? Her name was Lena. She disappeared the next day and all my burning

curiosity went with her.

My father warned me when I was little. He warned me that asking the wrong questions or saying

the wrong thing to certain people could hurt them. He made it very clear that doing such things would

not hurt me, because I was too important, but just them.

I don’t know that I specifically disbelieved him, but I didn’t buy into it either.

Until that day Lena disappeared.

That’s when I really understood. That’s when I realized that telling people things they should not

know had consequences.

I was a trusted figure in the grand scheme of things. Being a researcher was a huge, important

responsibility because we know secrets. And telling anyone those secrets without permission would

harm the Way. Those people would have to be dealt with.

“I didn’t tell Lena anything, Father. She told me.” That’s what I said to him after Lena went

missing.

“She has to keep secrets too, Megan,” my father explained patiently. “She told you something she

shouldn’t have.”