Page 105 of The Square

Not Eliza. Not even Andra, though we’re probably tied for first place at this point and she will most likely overtake me soon. She will overtake everything. Because that’s what children do. They upend your life. They pull it apart until there’s nothing left but little pieces. But then you put all those pieces back together in a new way and you move on with a new center of light.

That’s how it should be. That’s all I ever wanted from the people who brought me into this world. That’s all I wanted to give our child and never got the chance.

But I do have the chance to do that for someone else.

So I owe it to Andra to grow up and deal.

I am not that little girl anymore. I am strong, and bold, and capable. And Alec helped make me that way.

I owe him too. So much. But that’s not why I give it one more try.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper. “I’m being a childish bitch.”

“I’m not looking for another apology. We both said them. We both accepted them. Now we rise above it and get the job done. And you’re not being a childish bitch. You’re acting like any normal person forced into this situation. I just want you to understand you were my first choice then and you’re my first choice now. And I’m sorry as well. I’m sorry that our painful past has to be part of our present. I’m on your side. I truly am.”

And that, for whatever reason, feels like what I needed to hear. It feels like enough.

It shouldn’t be good enough. Not after I took up with Lars and helped him. After I betrayed Alec in such a nefarious, backstabbing way. Not after the hurt I felt after losing the baby and discovering I—we—had been replaced.

But it is.

Because I didn’t mean to betray him, and he didn’t mean to betray me.

And even if I did mean to betray him, and him to betray me, we still didn’t mean it. Our choices were unconscious actions that grew out of pain, and guilt, and past experiences that were never dealt with.

So I say, “I’m on your side too. Forever.”

Alec strokes my cheek and squeezes my hand. “Good. Then let’s go take care of business.”