Page 88 of His Untoward Hate

Jude’s suspicion was confirmed the moment he lowered his gaze. There was Sky, asleep at the side of the bed, loud snores escaping his lips. One of Sky’s hands rested over Jude’s foot on top of the thick white blanket that covered half of his body. Sometimes, Jude wondered what Sky’s true intentions toward him were.

Only then did he realize he had been staring at Sky for far too long. Sky looked gentle and harmless when he was asleep, a side of him Jude had rarely seen before. Yet that peaceful image could never erase the memories of the past, of the cruelty and ruthlessness Sky had inflicted upon him.

Living in such a chaotic world, Jude had come to realize that he was never good at hating people. He was not the type to hold grudges. In fact, one of the things he hated most was harboring anger toward someone. It never brought him anything except distress and torment. He could tell himself he hated a person today, only to forget about it the next day.

But Sky was different.

Why was it always different when it came to Sky?

No matter how hard he tried to deny it. No matter how desperately he fought against these feelings. He could not. He just could not. For some reason, when it came to Sky, he simply could not let them go.

Looking at Sky now provoked a whirlwind of emotions Jude could not quite understand. He did not want to feel any of them because they only brought him more pain. He did not want to keep hating Sky for this long. With everyone else, he could eventually let things go. He could accept, forgive, forget, and move on. Jude wished he could do the same this time.

But why could he not?

Everything Sky had done to him was carved so deeply into his memory that forgetting seemed impossible. Sometimes, Jude wished he were not smart enough to remember every painful detail.

Jude remembered their very first encounter. The first cold glare Sky shot his way in the hallway on the first day of class. The first humiliation in the cafeteria. The first time he called him a faggot in the middle of class in Values Education. The first curse he screamed directly at his face on campus grounds. The first flick on the forehead in the male’s bathroom. The first cupping of the jaw in the corner section of the library. The first punch at the rooftop. The first beating at the back of the campus. The first broken eyeglasses. The first busted lips. The first bruise on his body. The first kiss he stole away in Can-umantad Falls.

And many more.

Every single thing Sky had done remained vivid in his mind, preserved with painful clarity. Even the smallest details lingered as though they had happened only yesterday. And seeing him now only dragged those memories back to the surface.

A lump formed in Jude’s throat.

Just looking at Sky’s face was enough to make his emotions overwhelm him. Tears began to spill down his cheeks once more without him even realizing it. Lately, he had become far too emotional, and he hated it. Seeing Sky made him more vulnerable. Maybe it was because he was sick. He wished he would not feel any of the turmoil brewing inside his heart, even just for today. He did not want those memories creeping back to haunt him, especially when he was still struggling to recover from everything that had happened these past days.

But seeing Sky’s face up close had effortlessly awakened them. Every painful memory came flooding back, crystal clear and unyielding. The numbness that had wrapped around his heart moments ago shattered, replaced by an ache so deep it felt unbearable. The emotions from last night. The feelings he carried toward his family. The complicated emotions he felt toward Sky. They all collated into one stone that felt so heavy to carry. It suffocated him.

Jude quickly wiped away his tears and carefully slipped out of bed, making sure not to disturb him.

He wanted to run away.

He wanted to disappear.

He wanted, for once, to think only for himself.

He wanted to get lost somewhere no one could ever find him.

If death were the option, then he would.

***

Apologizing to Jude was something Sky had never imagined himself doing, not even in his wildest dreams. Yet the moment those words left his lips, and when he wrapped Jude tightly in his arms, it felt as though a tremendous weight had been lifted from his chest.

After placing the food on the bedside table, he spent several minutes quietly watching Jude sleep. It was the only time exhaustion finally caught up with him. He could not bring himself to wake Jude. Instead, he found himself enthralled by the peaceful sight before him. Jude’s face had become a sanctuary he could not look away from. As he continued watching him, sleep gradually pulled him under.

I want to die, Sky…

Those words lingered in his mind, echoing like a haunting whisper carried by the wind.

Sky jolted awake. His eyes flew open. His heart was slamming violently against his chest. The moment he noticed the empty bed, a surge of fear coursed through his entire body. His stomach dropped, and panic instantly took hold.

“Jude?”

Sky shot upright and looked around in horror, but Jude was nowhere in sight.

“Jude!” he exclaimed as he rushed out of his room and frantically searched the house.