Page 82 of His Untoward Hate

Sky was surprised when a large ball of tears suddenly cascaded down from Jude’s eyes without even blinking. Sky’s breath caught. He froze. For several seconds, his mind went completely blank.

“The fuck…” he muttered, completely thrown off. “Why the fuck are you crying?”

Tears continuously streamed down both sides of his face, trailing along his temples before disappearing into his ears.

“I feel like I’m going to die, Sky,” he said.

The confession came out of nowhere, raw and sincere.

“I feel like I’m going to fall apart.” Jude’s voice trembled as he raised a hand to his chest, clutching a fistful of his shirt as though trying to ease an ache buried deep inside him. “Why does it hurt so much here?” he asked, rubbing his fist above his chest.

More tears spilled down his cheeks, yet he made no effort to wipe them away. Sky remained frozen in his seat. He had no idea what to say.

The room sank into a heavy, suffocating silence despite the banging of raindrops against the roof. Even his crying was silent. No sobs, no sniffles. Nothing but tears streaming endlessly down his face. Sky could only watch as Jude cried until eventually his eyes seemed to run out of tears.

Sky did not know how to react. He did not know what to do. This was never his strong suit. Comforting people had always been difficult for him, and seeing Jude like this felt unbearable. Every tear that slipped from Jude’s eyes seemed to tear something inside him. It was not until a few moments later that Sky finally heard the indistinct sound of hiccups escaping Jude’s lips.

“You know what, Sky?” Jude suddenly spoke.

Jude’s voice was calm, but Sky could hear the pain woven through every word.

“I’ve always wondered what the purpose of life is. No matter how hard I try to understand it, to find some meaning behind all of this, it never makes sense to me.”

The words hit somewhere deep inside Sky, a place he could not quite name. For the first time, Jude’s words affected him this profoundly. They sent a chill down his spine and left a pang in his chest. Maybe it was because, at some point, Sky had felt the same way.

“When I was in grade school, I loved Science. It was my favorite subject back then. I was fascinated by how life worked—the way every living organism grew, changed, developed, and eventually completed its cycle. Out of everything I learned, the human life cycle intrigued me the most,” he started.

Jude’s eyes stared aimlessly at the ceiling.

“Books taught me many things, but they also filled my head with a lot of questions. One question, in particular, carried with me as I grew older: Is living really as wonderful as people say it is?”

A bitter laugh escaped his lips.

“I used to think about it now and then, but no matter how much I tried to understand it, it never made sense to me…” he paused. “A baby is born. They go to school. They graduate. They find a job. They get married. They build a family. They grow old. Then, they die. A lifetime filled with hardships, disappointments, heartbreaks, and pain. That’s how I see the human life cycle. It’s silly, and that’s the reality I know. And honestly? It doesn’t make any sense to me.”

Jude paused for a moment before continuing. Sky remained silent, unable to find the right words. All he could do was listen.

“I always ask myself, what’s the purpose of humans being here if we’re all going to die in the end?” Jude’s voice cracked.

He swallowed hard.

“But I don’t blame other people for wanting to live,” he pressed his lips together before continuing. “They have something to hold on to. They believe their lives have meaning. They have people who love them. They have reasons to keep moving forward.”

Jude’s voice wavered slightly.

“But what about me, Sky?”

The question lingered heavily in the air.

“Why do I keep searching for a purpose I can’t find? I’m not happy with my life anymore. The only people who somehow gave me reasons to keep going are gone. There’s nothing left for me to hold on to.” Jude’s eyes drifted somewhere distant. “I’m tired, Sky. Tired of suffering. Tired of waking up every day feeling empty. Tired of everything. So, tell me…” he looked at Sky. “If there’s no reason left for me to stay, why should I keep prolonging it? Why shouldn’t I just let everything end today?”

“Shut up.”

It was all Sky could manage to say. His fists were clenched so tightly that his nails dug into his palms.

“We’re all going to die eventually anyway,” Jude murmured.

Jude’s eyes went back to the dirty ceiling.