Page 57 of His Untoward Hate

“Why would I? It’s not my place to tell the whole school you’re gay. And besides, so what if you are? Is that really such a big deal?”

“I mean, a lot of people have crushes on me, and everyone at school sees me as a campus heartthrob. I don’t even like that image. Then one day, they’d suddenly find out I’m gay? Wouldn’t that be a disaster? Especially since my brother is Sky, and everyone sees him as buff and super masculine,” Jasper said, shaking the horrible thought off his head.

“People’s opinions don’t matter, Jas. As long as you’re happy, there’s nothing to be ashamed of,” she said gently, her voice calm and reassuring. “And if people truly care about you, they’ll accept you for who you are.”

Jasper looked at her and gave a small, half-smile.

“Thanks, Czyra…but I’m not ready to come out yet.”

“It’s okay, Jas. No pressure,” she replied with a comforting smile.

Jasper returned the smile and stuffed a spoonful of chocolate ice cream into his mouth.

Later that evening, Czyra drove Jasper home after they spent a long time talking, planning their upcoming research tasks, and watching Netflix, specifically Heartstopper. They were still halfway through the series, at the part where Nick struggled with coming out, something that closely mirrored Jasper’s current situation.

Czyra was not the type of person who talked a lot, at least from what Jasper had observed before. Nevertheless, he was grateful that she did not hesitate to speak with him and even took the initiative to start their conversations.

It almost felt as if she had been deprived of attention from the world. She once told him that her parents had always been abroad for business since she was young, and even now they remained overseas, leaving just the two of them in the house. As an only child, she often stayed alone. Jasper could relate to that in some way, knowing his own mother was away and his father was deceased. It was hard growing up without parents around.

“Thanks, Czy,” Jasper said with a genuine smile as they came to a stop in front of his abandoned house.

“You’re very much welcome,” she replied, giving him a wink and a smile. “We should plan a day to finish the series.”

“Yeah, sure,” Jasper responded.

“I’ll invite Jude to come over with us. Is that okay?”

“Why are you asking me? You’re the owner of the house. And besides, being with Jude isn’t a problem for me. It’s actually fun having him around,” Jasper said.

“Great. So, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow then,” she replied and smiled.

“See you tomorrow,” Jasper responded as he stepped out of her black Mercedes.

She waved at him, and he briefly waved back.

Jasper stood there for a moment, watching her drive away until her car disappeared from view. Then he turned on his heel and looked at the building before his eyes. The house was quiet as it always was, lonely, and haunted.

Jasper searched for his brother in his room, but he was not there. He tried calling his number, but the phone only rang inside the empty room. With a sigh, Jasper returned to his own room and took a long, much-needed shower. Afterward, he slipped into his pajamas, put on a sleeveless sando and a pair of white socks. He went back to his brother’s room, lay down on Sky’s bed, and stared at the ceiling. Lost in thought, he let his mind wander as he waited for his brother to come home.

No matter how hard Jasper tried to push him out of his mind, he remained there, occupying his every thought. The famous, effortlessly attractive hockey player from Lindaville University refused to fade from his thoughts. With a smile he could not quite control, Jasper imagined a world where it was just the two of them, completely alone, like the only people left on earth, like Adam and Adam.

Before Jasper knew it, exhaustion pulled him into sleep, him, still occupying his mind. In his dream, the image of him returned vividly, twisting into something buoyant and intimate, until Mitch suddenly interrupted their supposed sex scene, turning it into an abrupt nightmare instead.

***

Jasper woke up feeling grumpier than usual. He was a grumpy person, especially in the morning, but today it was worse. Nothing new. Typical Granger.

Sitting up on the bed, he realized he was still in his brother’s room. He still had not gone home. Although it was not the first time, it barely surprised him anymore.

Jasper got ready for school the same way he always did—made breakfast, took a shower, blow-dried his hair, and put on his uniform. It was the same routine every weekday, and at times, he could not help but think how boring everything felt.

Jasper had always chased academic excellence since he was young, up until now, and somewhere along the way, he lacked the idea of how to unwind and enjoy his bachelor’s life. He became so focused on medals, awards, and competitions that he failed to realize there was more to life than achievements alone. He found himself longing to experience the same things the other students at their school already had.

What did it feel like to go to a random bar, or even a gay bar? What was it like to drink alcohol? To get wasted? To dance wildly with strangers and lose yourself in the moment? To smoke? To be intimate with someone? To have sex?

Those were the questions that had been bombarding his mind lately, things he had never experienced before. Even though he continued to receive party invitations from random students to this day, he had always turned them down.

Staring at his reflection in the mirror, he finally made a decision: this Saturday, he would go out to a bar.