Page 27 of His Untoward Hate

“I have another thing to tell you,” Jasper said, his hands becoming sweaty.

Jasper was scared to know how Jude would react if he told him this.

“What is it?” Jude asked, curiosity drawn on his face.

“Can you promise me that we will remain whatever we have if I say this?” Jasper proposed.

Jude paused and blinked twice.

“A-hh yeah, of course…I promise,” he said, slightly nervous all of a sudden. “What is it, Jasper?”

“Ahm,” Jasper started and stared at him. “I know that you’ve liked me for many years now, Jude. I have always known since the start of high school…”

Jasper could see the slight reluctance of Jude to look at him, but he fought to connect their eyes. Although the only light that illuminated the place was through the radiance of the full moon and the light from the porch a meter away, he could still vividly see his face.

“I know you like me, and I do admire you as well…”

Jasper did not fail to notice the way Jude’s pupils dilated, his nostrils flared slightly, and his cheeks flushed red. Jude was clearly stunned.

“I admire how intelligent you are. I admire how innocent and optimistic you are as a person. I admire you because you’re the only person that I couldn’t beat academically. People know that.” Jasper cackled a bit softly. “I admire you for being humble all the time. I admire your fighting spirit even if the world is against you. I admire your personality and who you are, Jude, but…”

Jasper gulped, and he could feel his tension boiling up. He could feel his muscles constricting, too. His breathing caught in his lungs, too.

“But…I’m a bottom, Jude. A pure bottom. We both are,” Jasper finally admitted.

Jude was completely speechless. He was about to faint. His clear grey eyes, which were rare, were now mixed with emotions, but he could see the sadness in depth, and that bothered Jasper. However, there was no hiding it. For him to get closer to Jude, he should admit his sexuality. He should know. He should no longer raise his hopes high. There was no way a bottom and a bottom would be together.

Jasper thought, I might sometimes masturbate, but there’s no way I can be a top.

13

Monday at school. Jude did not know what to do. He did not know how to face Jasper. He still could not move on from their date, and he did not fully recover from the confession he had heard from him last night. His dark eyes and pronounced eye bags told the whole story. Jude thought he was straight. He felt somehow happy knowing that he was gay, but it saddened him that Jasper was a pure bottom. He was a bottom, too.

What should we do? But he kept on telling himself that if they truly loved each other, then their sex roles did not matter. They could still be together.

Jude’s stomach twirled at the thought of him being the top. He shook his head. No way. I could not be the one driving. There was no way that I would be the top. Aside from the lack of knowledge and experience, I also did not know how. I did not even masturbate. I did not know how to and had never tried doing it, even once.

Well, basically, he learned it from science back in junior high, but he did not do it to himself. He could not picture himself doing it.

Maybe if I practice? —Oh my god, what was I thinking? Jude shoved his dirty thoughts away and felt some shivers running down his spine. These sexual thoughts had been flashing through his mind lately. He paused, shook his head, and continued walking down the winding halls.

Giggle after giggle, glare after glare, gossip after gossip, the school was a total buzz. Before he could turn left down the corridor, someone purposely tripped him. The sudden act took him by surprise, causing him to shriek in fear.

“Oh, what a clumsy faggot,”

“Did you hear that freak just squeak? So gross! Eww!” a female senior exclaimed, making a dramatic gagging expression.

“Oops, sorry. Did I just trip you?” another girl asked sarcastically, feigning innocence after the act.

Jude’s knees hurt as he hit the concrete floor, and his eyeglasses slipped off his face. Laughter suddenly echoed through the hallway while he fumbled around, trying to find them. Everything around him turned into a blur.

“Well, that’s what he gets for being a party wrecker,” one of the girls said.

“He deserves more. Pathetic attention seeker,” another student added.

“I used to think he was some kind of saint, but I was wrong. He’s nothing but a demon…a two-faced bitch,” someone else muttered from a distance.

“I think so too, but I don’t know why I still find him cute,” her friend murmured.