Page 16 of His Untoward Hate

Oh my god. What should I do now? He cried helplessly. He could feel his cheeks flush even more as he took a deep, long breath—but his heart was racing, and he was catching his breath. A knot was forming in his throat, and he started bawling. He was seriously in big trouble. He literally just wanted to die and vanish from this world.

It took him nearly three hours, crying and a million debates, to go down, overthinking that his sister was now ready downstairs to slaughter him: his hands were shaking, his feet trembling, his heart racing, and his mind uneasy. The house was eerily quiet, which only escalated the anxiety he was feeling, and not surprisingly, very messy: empty and shattered bottles were scattered on his bare feet, empty cans and junk food littered everywhere, utilized condoms and empty sachets of lubricating jelly were strewn everywhere, which made his stomach turn upside down. When he went downstairs, the living room was very disorganized: pillows were on the floor, the sofa set was out of its original place, and his mom’s vase—Oh my God!

Jude’s face instantly went pale when his mother’s favorite vase was broken.

“Seems like the drunkard, unashamed faggot has just woken up.” Jude jumped off and almost screamed at the top of his lungs when Mitch’s voice erupted suddenly out of nowhere.

The sound of her voice, full of sarcasm and contempt, made his heart rip out of his chest.

It took him a moment before he slowly and reluctantly turned his back to see his sister, who was leaning her side on the frame of the kitchen’s entrance, with a mug in her hand that was supposed to be coffee. She was glaring at him with a raised brow.

Jude could not look at her directly. He was terrified. He looked at his sweating hands instead, pinching his fingers between his crotch. He felt like he wanted to cry again, feeling the need to apologize.

“I-m s-sorry about last—,”

“Can you just shut the fuck up?” she cut him off with a high-pitched, angry tone. “Don’t even start to ruin my day.”

“I d-idn’t mean t—”

“You shut the fuck up faggot! I don’t need your fucking apology! The damage has been done, and you already humiliated the hell out of me in front of the entire school, especially in front of Sky. So, are you happy with that? Of course, you are. That’s what you want, right? Fucking attention.” She was livid, scary, and serious. “You know what? You’re a disgrace in this family. You’re a plague. Do you even have the tiniest idea why I don’t want you to be with me around school? Or even get close to you? Because I don’t consider you my sibling, and I never will!” she said relentlessly, her veins popping out from her neck.

Jude was sure he had gotten used to her attitude, but this time it hurt so much more. The pain was very different. He could feel his chest tighten, and he was really trying hard not to cry.

There was a brief silence.

“I don’t want to see your disgusting face as much as possible. I don’t want you to be associated with me in any way, whether at school or in this house. Forget that you know me, and I forget that I know you. Forget that we know each other.”

Jude kept his head down. Inevitably, his vision started getting blurry, and before he knew it, tears started to fall uncontrollably. He heard the sound of glass clinking on the table as Mitch put her mug on it.

“And when I come back home, make sure the house is already clean, or I’m going to tell Mom and Dad that you hosted a party,” she threatened and strode towards him.

She brushed past him roughly, knocking him off balance. Without another word, she left the house with a loud bang, slamming the door.

Jude had already told himself that he should not be a crybaby anymore, but his eyes sometimes kept betraying him. He kept his head down, and he could not hold the pain in his heart any longer as tears fell heavily on the floor. He was used to feeling pain, physical harassment, or even harsh words, but this one hit differently. She never said she hated him before, even though he could always feel it. However, he was still hoping that she cared for him as a sibling, even just a tiny little bit. This time, it only proved that she really loathed him. Her words were like daggers in his heart.

After what felt like there was no more liquid to pour out of his body, he decided to move. He rushed to his room, unmotivated to take the steps. The pain in his heart was heavier as he was rummaging for the weed in his mini drawer, which he had secretly stashed. It had been days since he last used it. He carefully packed the pipe with powdered leaves before lighting it with a flick of his lighter. After the first set, he put another set of granules in and lit it up again.

Half an hour later, he started to feel its effects in his system. The feeling was otherworldly. He felt the release of euphoric neurotransmitters in his brain, and his vision started to blur even more. He missed the feeling of the wonders of this drug. It felt like a fleeting trip to a heavenly paradise. It brought him to another world where pain, sadness, and worries did not exist.

Not long after, he dozed off to unimaginable ecstasy.

Immense worry rapidly shot through him when he woke up, practically five hours later. The first thought that came to mind was that maybe his sister was already home. He quickly jumped to his feet, and fortunately, when he went down, no one was around. He stormed to the old warehouse where the cleaning materials were placed. The drug’s effects still lingered in his system, and he could still feel the consistent throbbing in his head, but it was manageable this time. He was used to it; he could endure.

Jude spent the rest of his Saturday cleaning the entire house; arranging the things back to their exact original places, doing the laundry, and looking for the exact same vase that was shattered, which got him running out of allowance for the next month. Thankfully, after a long time, he found the same vase from an old flower boutique downtown they used to go to with her mother when he was still little.

It was a very long day. His stomach growled, bringing him to the realization that he had not eaten breakfast, lunch, or even dinner. He did not have any food today. He was busy and pretty much preoccupied, so going to eat was the least of his concerns. Jude settled on the floor in lassitude, crossed his arms, and made it his pillow. He was too tired to go down and eat something. Besides, he had no appetite.

As he stared at the white ceiling of his room and was ready to call it a day, that was when his forgotten excitement reappeared in the corner of his exhausted heart. He almost forgot about their hangout with Jasper tomorrow. Though he was tired and devastated, he could not help but release a small, lethargic smile at the thought that they were going to have a date.

Date…That was the last word that Jude was thinking before he drifted off into a deep slumber and wished with all the shooting stars in the sky that he could see Jasper, at least in his dream.

8

Jasper had just finished reading a random book about financial security when Sky suddenly showed up in his room very early in the morning. Weekends were supposed to mean spending time together, even if it was only through quick hangouts or meaningless conversations. At least that was what he always claimed, but oftentimes, it obviously did not happen. Despite living under the same roof, they barely had time with each other. Sky was always out and busy while Jasper juggled part-time jobs and tutorial sessions for lower grades. Jasper handled two bookings this semester: one was Samantha from seventh grade in science, and Gerald from eighth grade in mathematics.

Sky, with a tired expression written all over his face, lazily kicked his shoes off with his feet. With his worn-out, dark, faded blue jeans and loose dark blue-green plain T-shirt, he almost stumbled when the right shoe stubbornly clung to his foot. He was staggering on his feet as he made his way to Jasper, dumping his back on the bed with an audible sigh. Jasper shook his head at his brother’s display before lying beside him. The strong scent of alcohol emanated from his body, making it obvious that he had been out doing illegal work again. Jasper’s expression dimmed with worry, though neither of them spoke. Nearly ten minutes passed before Jasper finally broke the silence.

“Dre?” Jasper called softly, turning his head to glance at his brother’s side profile.