Page 83 of The New Place

“About Baxter,” Pat says, impatient.

“Oh. No, not yet.”

“Do I call?”

“Call Baxter?”

“No, I’m not going to call Baxter,” Pat says. “I mean, I would. 1-800-WOOF. We’d talk about how much he misses living with me and how I’m actually his favorite, though I’m pretty sure his real favorite is Abbot. Claire. Do I call Claire? It was a funny text last night, too. Not my best, but honestly not a bad showing. Definitely a chuckler.”

“She’s probably just busy.”

“Right, but I’m busy too, or I’m supposed to be busy, but she’s literally the only thing I can think about. Ned, help me on this. Because listen, we spent all weekend together, but now I haven’t heard from her since yesterday afternoon. This is definitely the longest she’s gone without getting in touch, so it’s the longest I’ve gone too because I’m not going to badger her, but I should, right? I have to say something, and isn’t it weirder if I text and she doesn’t respond? But what if I call and she doesn’t pick up? Then that’s like—that’s bad. Real bad. I mean, not right away but by tomorrow, that’s kind of making a statement right? Not getting back to my text or answering my call or calling me back? And then it’s like, do I leave a message? And say what, right? Oh my God, she’s dead.”

“She’s not dead,” Ned says.

“Then she’s breaking up with me.”

“It hasn’t even been twenty-four hours.”

“Ned, this is serious.”

“I’m sorry.” Ned pinches his nose. “I’m a little distracted.”

“This could not be more important.”

“No, I know, I know. I’m at Newbury. I just finished my talk.”

“How’d it go?” Pat’s tone switches gears in a flash. “I bet they loved it. Did you make a fancy graph with all the lines and shapes and stuff? Listen to me. I sound like a doctor.”

“This spousal-hire thing? I’m so fucked.”

“Nice,” Pat crows, and Ned knows from his tone that if they were in person, he’d be holding up a hand to high-five.

“No, it’s not nice at all, because Beverly thinks we’re engaged. Or on the road to being engaged? She apparently talked to Chris, and it spiraled from there.”

“You know, he doesn’t tip great,” Pat says. “He came in the other day and I was kind of surprised. Which I said to Claire—do you think she thinks I was too obsessed about that? I mentioned it once and then again later that day, but she wasn’t feeling great, said she felt like she had a stomach bug. I should send her soup.”

“If she’s not feeling well, she might just not be on her phone.”

“Soup.” It sounds like he’s writing it down. “Who isn’t on their phone when they’re sick? That’s all anyone does. Chicken soup, right? Not anything creamy if she’s ralphing all over.”

“Gross.”

“Yeah. But I bet she’s still cute when she pukes, you know?”

“I’m pretty happy not thinking about it, honestly. And Pat, focus. Beverly said she’s really excited for us to get married.”

“So?”

“So!” Ned yelps, then looks over his shoulder. He’s still in front of the sociology building, so he ducks his head and starts walking toward his car.

“Spousal hire, right? The word ‘spouse’ is kind of right there, low-hanging fruit.”

“We are not engaged,” Ned hisses. “And Beverly has already been asking questions about how long-term we are and being up in our business about moving in together, and now she and Chris are talking about us getting married.”

“Awesome.”

“Pat.”