Page 178 of The New Place

“And what if someday you don’t?”

“You think I’d be resentful?”

“I don’t know. Yes, I guess, that’s one of my worries. I’ve got more too.”

“I find that hard to believe.”

Finally, the ghost of a smile. Ned shakes his head, staring down at his hands in his lap. “You know me. I can worry about anything, at any time.”

“I do know you,” Abbot says softly.

“So you know I’m not a blank slate, Abbot. Even before we get to me having Peggy, I’ve got plenty of fears of repeating my divorce, ones I didn’t even know I was carrying until now. But I quit my job to come to Callahan, and you know how little assistantships pay. When Jen left, I was fucked. I’m terrified of that happening again. In my perfect world, I’d go into my next relationship completely on my own two feet, but our lives are a little bit ahead of what I was planning.”

“Ned, I don’t need you to be completely independent.”

“I know.” Ned twists his hands together, his knuckles white. “I get that. I do. But I’m still scared. And—and I feel sometimes like I don’t know anything about your life, so it’s hard to be sure.”

“I—yes. I can imagine.”

“You can?”

“I don’t exactly relish talking about my life.” Abbot’s eyes fall to the picture of Liesl on his desk. “But I will.”

Ned’s head comes up. “You will? Really?”

“I don’t want to.”

“Well.” Ned waves to the pile of papers on the desk.

How Ned must have fretted on the drive up here, and how he made himself do it all the same. At what point do you decide you’ve done your half and they gotta carry their weight too? Claire had asked, and what, really, does Abbot owe Ned, to meet him halfway?

A lot, he knows. So very, very much.

Ned printed each of these papers. Stapled them together and brought them here. Showed up, when nobody else has. Because Ned is different, and Abbot needs to be different with him.

And if he doesn’t talk to Ned? Then his life will be more of the same. Holding Ned carefully away. Protecting against that hurt, and any closeness both.

Just weeks ago, he sat in this office yearning for a fuller life together, to move closer, and now there’s a chance to live together. And they’re married too, which he didn’t even know to hope for yet.

Is this the cost of that?

Or no, not the cost. The exchange. What can Abbot offer back to this man who’s made Abbot’s dreams come true?

Yes, he has something he can offer. That envelope, how it looked in Ned’s hand.

Abbot draws in a breath that shakes. “Can we go home?”

Ned stands up and holds out his hand. “Please.”

36

NED

“Did you have dinner?” Abbot asks as he unlocks the door. “I have some leftovers I can heat up, or I can order something. I’ll pay for it. It’s fine.”

“Are you trying to distract me with the crunchy things?”

“That and the good noodles.” Abbot hangs up his coat, then takes Ned’s and settles it on the next hook over. He fusses with them, and then his shoes too, and his keys and his watch and Ned’s about ready for him to take out the vacuum or maybe start dusting the baseboards. Abbot’s fingers shift against each other, his thumb rubbing the tips of his nails.