Page 37 of While the Sun Shines

“So,” Cooper says slowly. “I can only imagine that it’s pretty darn uncomfy to watch him with Penny.”

“It’s fine.”

“It’s probably not, you giant lump.”

It’s really fine, he could say again. But, oh hell, Drew’s too tired to pretend. Too tired to keep a tight grip on his thoughts and to push back the dread that wells through him.

Don’t ask, he tells himself. Just ignore his worries, like that’ll carry them away. Though, now Cooper’s looking back at him, and Drew blows out a breath and says, “Are they—do you know if—they’re seeing each other?”

“You want me to say what’s going to make you feel better or my actual best guess?”

Drew groans, scrubs his hand over his face, and keeps walking. What he really wants to do is hurl himself into the ditch next to the road.

Cooper grabs his shoulder and jostles him in a rough hug. “I’m sorry, man,” he says.

“This—fuck!”

“Sucks, doesn’t it?”

Drew laughs. It sounds so hollow.

It’s been fucking ages. His whole life, it sometimes feels like, as if everything that truly mattered started that first day of high school at lunch, when he’d pretended he wasn’t watching Penny devour a turkey sandwich or Whit silently sipping at his carton of milk. Whit, who didn’t care if Drew was so shy he could barely speak. And Penny, joking with Drew, until he emerged out of his shell; she poked and prodded him into a good mood, pulling a laugh out of him when he wasn’t sure he’d be able to even manage a smile. Gorgeous, wonderful Penny. Fuck. Fuck.

“Tell her how you feel,” Cooper says.

I don’t feel anything, Drew could say. Pretend he doesn’t know what Cooper’s talking about. Deny it. He’s never actually said anything concrete to Cooper. To anyone at all.

But fuck. How obvious has he been that Cooper can so clearly see the truth?

“What a dick move,” Drew says. “Wait until she has someone, and lay it on her then? I can’t do that.”

Besides, he wasn’t ever going to breathe a word to her—to anyone and certainly not to Penny of all people.

So really, shouldn’t he have already started mourning a relationship that will never be? Hadn’t he decided, the moment a friendship between him and Penny had blossomed, that he’d never jeopardize her place in his life by telling her his feelings? Absurd, then, that he’s clung to the thread of yearning all this time.

Abelardo being here doesn’t change anything.

Just…just makes her happy. Giddy, even. Smiling and laughing with him. It should warm Drew’s chest to see her so delighted, not leave him sick and cold and numb.

And it shouldn’t even be a surprise that Abelardo’s slipped so perfectly into Penny’s life. That of anyone, she’d want to be with someone like him, put together and successful.

“I’m going to be happy for her,” Drew says. Maybe if he repeats it enough, those words will strengthen into fact. Leave this yawning maw of envy behind. “I have the cheese to worry about, anyway, and getting this hay in the barn.”

“You sure? Not gonna grab the bull by the horns?”

“There’s no bull and no horns,” Drew says. “There’s being a good friend.”

“If our bull heard you say that, he’d be very offended,” Cooper says. “Drew, c’mon, you’re going to just watch this happen?”

“Of course I am.” Drew nods, like he means it. Because what’s the alternative? Sweeping in with a grand declaration, throwing her burgeoning romance with Abelardo aside, and what—trying to convince her otherwise? She’d be pissed and rightfully so.

What bad fucking timing. If he was ever going to take that chance, the time came and went already.

So, no. He’ll nurse his wounds in private. Focus on his cheese and the sheep and the farm and keep himself far away from her. It’s summer anyway, a good enough time as any to bury himself in work. And maybe when he comes up for a breather this fall, the sting will have lessened a bit. Dulled into a bruised ache.

“Drew,” Cooper says softly as they reach the hayfield.

“This is fine. Seriously, it is,” Drew says.