Page 92 of Reins

I’ve never heard a woman in her eighties so blunt. It was kind of off putting last time.

But I’m getting used to it. I kind of want to be like her. “She asked me about sex.”

His fingers spasm on my leg and he makes some sort of choking sound. “Okay?”

I can’t quite look at him and continue. But I want to have this conversation…it’s just hard. “And why we haven’t yet.”

“Ros,” he exhales. “You have a choice with her too. You’re allowed to not answer her questions if you aren’t ready.” His head shakes with a deep rumble in his chest. “She doesn’t know what you went through and how far you’ve come.”

“She knows. I showed her the scars.” I circle his arm and kiss one of the puckered marks above his elbow that resemble a small heart. “You made it easier for me.”

The crow’s feet next to his eyes deepen as his jaw tics. “I’m proud of you, Ros.”

His praise makes heat bloom in my chest.

“She asked me two things.” I hold up a pair of fingers. “First?” I drop my middle, keeping my index jabbing the air. “She wanted to know if the reason I was waiting was because I might be worried that if I did something wrong you would hate me.” I fight the tremble in my chin. “And the second—” I wave both fingers, holding back the panic that threatens to shut me down. “—is if I’m afraid that I’ll be the kind of mother my own was.”

His nostrils flare and his gaze leaps to his rearview mirror before he veers us over to the side of the road to slam the transmission in park.

Then he turns to me, clasping my hand between his. “Get number one out of your head. There isn’t a damn thing you could ever do to make me hate you. You just escaped from hell, Ros. There ain’t a person on this earth that should be rushing you to do anything with your body you don’t want to do.” Fire licks at his irises. “As for the second—” His lips thin into a pained line. “—you dream of love without the hurt. I know you’d carry that like an oath.” He reaches out to grip behind my neck, pulling me so his forehead rests against mine. “You would be the shield, Ros, breaking the pattern,” he says hoarsely. But then he takes a long breath and loosens his hold. “Hell, our kids would be spoiled rotten shits because they’d never get in trouble.” Then his brows raise and a smile lifts his frown. “But I gotta warn ya, I was a pain in the ass when I was little. Full of all kinds of piss and vinegar.”

“Our kids?” I squeak. I hadn’t thought about it before today when Evelyn asked.

I’ve been so focused on fighting the past I never thought a future would exist.

“You want them? With me?” My mind is spinning.

“Ros, I want you happy and healthy. Period. With whatever that may or may not bring.” He drops his wrist over the steering wheel, letting his fingers dangle. “My brothers want to repopulate their corner of the earth, so there ain’t no shortage of McCulloughs running around.”

His gaze narrows and he turns to stare out the windshield. “Got a text from Wade. The funeral for my folks was yesterday.” He drops his chin, running his thumb over the edge of the dash. “So I s’pose there’s two less.”

Guilt floods into me. I was so worried about myself I didn’t see he was in pain. “I’m so sorry.” I know how much he loved them.

It tears me apart that he’s suffered so much because of my family, yet here he is, putting my needs before his own.

“You should be there.” I touch the tender skin on the inside of his elbow. “It isn’t fair you don’t get that closure with them.”

His chest fills with a long inhale that he lets out slowly. “I might have to sometime soon. Your brothers didn’t come down to Texas. John was spotted in Pendleton according to Wade.”

Panic grips me by the throat, stealing my air and seizing me in icy claws. “When?” I croak.

“I don’t know.” When he turns, he looks haggard. “Depends on what their next move is. There wasn’t enough evidence to pin anything on them from the fire.”

He glances over his shoulder, then shifts the truck into drive, pulling back onto the road. “I kinda want to tell Pete to fuck off and stay here.”

I almost beg him to. I don’t want to go back.

But being here, alone, is terrifying too. He really will hate me if I ask him to stay. Then it will be my fault when something else happens.

So I sit in silence, a frozen statue, as all the possibilities I can’t control drown me.

Chapter 44 - Cade

I’m starting to learn the signs of when she slips. It’s usually that lip that’s the first tell. Then it’s picking at her thumbnail until the skin along it bleeds.

I try to catch it before then, soothe her worries and pull her close.

But today I don’t notice until she disappears to go to the bathroom and never returns.