Page 88 of Roguefinder

“My upbringing was normal for those days. If you were poor, you worked hard and burned yourself out by forty. My parents were religious, but most people were. They left Amsterdam with nothing and crossed an ocean to make a new life for themselves. That took guts. I respect them for it.”

Caleb waited, listening.

“My parents were harsh by today’s standards,” I said. “I’m not saying they were right, but they were a product of their time. My father thought he was doing what God wanted by making me obedient.”

“And Philippe?”

“He wasn’t a monster. You saw him enjoying sex the way he was built to. It wasn’t wrong for him, even if it was wrong for me. We weren’t the right fit, but he helped me in other ways.”

“By teaching you it was okay to like men?” Caleb asked.

I nodded. “We didn’t always scene. No one called it that back then. Kink wasn’t a formal thing with how-to guides. At times, sex between us was vanilla, and I was happy with that because vanilla was the best thing I’d ever tasted. When he turned me, it was like…”

“Like a kid raised by vegans getting set loose in a Cheesecake Factory?”

The snort that came out of me felt better than any belly laugh I’d ever indulged in. The air lightened, and it was suddenly easier to breathe.

“Pretty much,” I said.

“What about everyday stuff? Were you happy with him?”

Memories surfaced, spinning me back to sun-drenched vineyards and crumbling libraries. Castle turrets and Parisian cafes.

“Yes,” I said. “Things were good in the beginning, although I was just happy to be alive. I think he liked seeing me experience things for the first time. It made the world seem new again for him. He’d realized I wasn’t Marcus reborn, but he fulfilled his obligation to the Council and trained me.”

“He should have told you,” Caleb said. “It’s bullshit that he didn’t.”

His defense was like the sun on my skin. “I probably wouldn’t have listened. I was embarrassingly naive, and I thought I was in love with him.”

“Yeah, and he knew it. Which makes it double bullshit.”

Bullseye. Of course, Caleb had pinpointed the problem. Sterling was wrong. My mate wasn’t a himbo. He was just really good at making everyone think he was.

“Philippe was from a different era,” I said. “He was an aristocrat, and I was a farmer’s son. He was never going to think of me as an equal. It’s not an excuse. Just a fact. And he was desperate to recreate what he’d had with Marcus, even if it meant loving a shadow. But I couldn’t give him that. Philippe was very dominant, and he must have known almost immediately that I was too. But he tried to make me a switch.”

Caleb raised his eyebrows. “I could have told him that was a wasted effort.”

I smiled. “At first, I thought I just needed to give it time. If I tried harder, it would get easier. And then I’d enjoy it.”

Caleb’s eyes went soft. “It doesn’t work that way.”

And he knew better than anyone. He made submission look easy when it was the opposite. He gave himself over to me completely, trusting me with his body and well-being. He gave in because he loved it, and he loved that I loved taking him to a place neither of us could go alone.

“No, it doesn’t,” I said. “Philippe couldn’t unlock the door to a room that didn’t exist. And he knew it, but he pushed anyway.”

“Then he wasn’t a good Dom,” Caleb said. He was clear-eyed and steady. As golden as the sun coming through the window. And he was mine. Somehow, I’d landed this smart, big-hearted man who fit me in all the places I needed him to.

“I don’t deserve you,” I said.

He smiled. “Well, you’re stuck with me.”

“Don’t.” The word came out more firmly than I intended, but I leaned into it because this was important. “Don’t diminish yourself like that. You’re not someone I have to put up with. You’re perfect, Caleb. You’re perfect for me.”

He shifted in his chair, pink dusting his cheeks. “Clearly, you haven’t looked in my side of the dresser since we got to Italy.”

I grinned. Then my joy faded as the full weight of what had just happened settled over me. Caleb had touched my forearm and ended up inside me, living out memories I’d never told another soul. “Your magic is stronger than we thought, and it was already strong to begin with. Seers observe. They don’t climb inside bodies. You have something that a lot of very powerful people are going to want.”

“Then you’ll have to protect me.”