Page 35 of Almost Ours

“You were too busy laughing.”

“Only because you were hissing.”

“Yeah. Right. Fuck.”

We keep walking. There's mostly no one around now, just the odd group or couple wandering to their accommodation. My breath comes out in visible little clouds every time I laugh, and I've lost feeling in my fingers.

“So,” I glance across at him. “I guess congrats are in order?”

“Congrats?” He questions.

“Yeah. Ewan said you’re on The Firsts?”

“Oh.” Josh purses his lips.

“Oh?”

“When did he tell you that?”

“Back in the S.U. He said you smashed it?”

He shrugs one shoulder. “I was alright, yeah.”

“Josh.” I chide.

“What?”

“It’s impressive.”

“It’s nothing your brother hasn’t already done.”

“Don’t downplay it like that. You got on that team on your own merit.”

He looks at me like he isn’t quite sure how to accept it. “Thanks.”

We fall quiet for a bit, neither of us seeming in much of a rush to get anywhere. Usually silence with someone I barely know makes me feel like I should fill it, like I’ve missed a cue and need to start talking before things become awkward, but with Josh it doesn’t. We just walk, and I find myself wondering how much of me he’d actually guess from tonight.

Probably not much.

Most people are surprised when they find out I have depression. I got good at looking fine long before I actually was, mostly because admitting what was happening meant admitting why. Dad was sleeping with my eighteen-year-old best friend, and I was the one carrying the secret around. What was I supposed to do with that? Blow up my family, my friendships and Dad’s career in one go?

I couldn't. I wouldn't.

It was the attempt on my life that made everything come to light. Dad, wracked with guilt, came clean about the secret I'd been holding in for him. Mum ended their marriage straight away, but dad was unbothered as he moved in with his secretary, and a year later, they were married.

Mum's response to that was: "Nobody finds love quicker than a man who needs a roof above his head." I've thought about that comment a lot. I wonder how true it is.

In the end, I caused Oscar the most pain. It was Oscar who found me on our bathroom floor. I wish I could say I didn't know what I was doing. I wish I could say I was blind with depression or grief. But I knew exactly what I was trying to achieve. I wanted to complete it.

Not because I wanted to die, but because I wanted the pain, and the noise, and endless torrent of emotions to stop.

If I had known Oscar would be the one to see me—and save me—I never would have gone there in the first place. And while I can blame Dad for the trauma he inflicted, and be furious at my ex-boyfriend, Ansel, for the fucked-up way he took advantage of me, the truth is I only ever had myself to blame. I have had to take responsibility for the harm I have caused.

By the time I realise how exhausted I am, my feet are dragging and my eyes feel heavy.

Josh yawns. “I think today has been one of the strangest days of my life. It feels like it’s gone on forever.”

I glance at him because I don’t agree at all. For me, the whole day has disappeared. One minute I was waking up with no real plan beyond getting through it, and the next I was fighting a bird and ended up here with him. It’s gone so quickly I’ve barely had time to think about any of it while it was happening.