Page 146 of Almost Ours

“Josh,” Ruby’s voice is colder than I’ve ever heard it. “Can you blame me? We had sex a week ago and now you’re ignoring me. You tell me I’m your favourite person. You act like I’m important to you, and then the second it starts looking like an actual relationship you panic and pull away.” She chews her bottom lip. “So yeah. Sometimes I think there must be something about me that isn’t enough for you.”

“I can’t keep having this conversation, Rubes. We’ve had the same argument a million times. The issue is me, not you.”

“I know you keep saying that.”

“Because it’s the bloody truth!”

“Okay, but it doesn’t magically make me stop thinking it.”

I don’t know what else I can give her without saying things I’m nowhere near ready to say. I know I keep behaving in ways that make every word sound like bullshit. I can’t even blame her for not believing me anymore, but I need her to believe me. Aren’t actions supposed to be louder than words? Am I not showing her all the ways I care?

Ruby watches me for a few seconds before her shoulders sag and she looks away. “Right. Whatever. We’re going round in circles and I didn’t drive all the way here to argue with you about this again.”

I feel fucking awful at the resignation in her voice. “Rubes—”

“No, it’s fine.” She blows out a breath, rubbing both hands over her jeans before glancing towards the back seat. “Well, it’s not fine, but I don’t want to do this tonight. I came because I was worried about you and because I wanted to give you something.” She reaches around to the back seat and pulls out a box wrapped in red glittery paper, Sellotaped so neatly I’m convinced she’s had help, then drops it into my lap.

I glance down at it. “What’s this?”

“Your Christmas present.”

I feel a million times worse. “You got me a Christmas present?”

“Well,” she waves a hand towards the box, “you got me fourteen. This only seems fair.”

“What is it?” I give it a little shake.

“That’s the point of opening it, Josh.” She reaches back again and pulls out another box, one I recognise as the last present I gave her. “I brought mine too. I thought we could open them together and have our own little Christmas.” She glances towards the house. “That’s why I wanted to go inside. I thought we could sit by the tree and have a bit of Christmas that’s just ours.”

I look down at the red box in my lap in horror. “Holy shit, Ruby. I’m so fucking sorry.”

“For what?”

“I’m such a dick.”

“Well, yeah.” Her brows pinch together. “But why are you saying that?”

I drag my eyes to her. “You just wanted to spend Christmas with me?”

She nervously shuffles around in her seat. “Kind of, yeah. But I guess we’re not there yet? I didn’t think it would be an invasion of your privacy or whatever. I didn’t really think at all, to be honest, but now that I’m sitting here, I think you were hinting fairly obviously that you didn’t want to see me.”

I close my eyes and let my head fall back against the headrest. “I always want to see you.”

“You’ve got a really odd way of showing it.”

She’s going to get sick of you.

You’re a disappointment who keeps making her think you don’t want her.

Sooner or later she’s going to run for the hills, and it’ll be all your fault.

I press my lips together and keep my eyes squeezed shut. I’ve spent two days hiding from her because I was scared of exactly this happening, and all I’ve managed to do is give her another reason to doubt me.

Fucking genius.

“I wasn’t hinting that I didn’t want to see you,” I say, slowly opening my eyes and staring at the roof of her car. “I was being a miserable bastard and ignoring everyone.”

“I’m lumped in with everyone now?”