Page 144 of Almost Ours

“Fuck.” The guilt hits me hard. This is exactly why I didn’t want to get involved with her. I knew it would mean being open and honest and trying not to disappear when all I want to do is run from everyone and everything.

How the fuck do I explain to someone like Ruby what goes on in this house? That when James died, I might as well have died with him? That they got to bury the son they loved and keep the one they blamed?

JOSH (22:33): Sorry. I’m okay. Promise x

This is how it starts. She likes me now. It’s always easy to like someone at the beginning, until they get to know you and realise what a waste of space you are.

I’m hurting her and I’m not even trying to. I don’t know how to do this shit. I don’t know how to be a person without James, never mind someone’s boyfriend, or whatever the fuck Ruby and I are supposed to be.

RUBY (22:34): Are you sure? I’ve been texting for two days and you’ve barely responded?

JOSH (22:36): Rubes, I’m fine. Are you okay?

RUBY (22:36): Um, sort of.

I sit up straighter on my bed, moving to the edge and resting my elbows on my knees, phone clutched in my hand. My thumb is already moving across the screen.

JOSH (22:36): What’s wrong?

RUBY (22:37): So… I’ve got this thing going on with a boy, right? And he ignored me for two days, so I’ve driven to his address and now I’m sat outside his MASSIVE house like a complete psychotic stalker x

My head snaps towards my bedroom window.

No fucking way.

I’m on my feet and crossing the room straight away, dragging the curtain aside hard enough that one of the rings catches against the pole. The driveway disappears around the side of the house from this angle, mostly hidden by the stupid amount of trees Dad insists give us privacy, but there’s a wash of headlights through the branches near the gate.

JOSH (22:38): Holy shit, Ruby. It’s nearly midnight? It’s Christmas Eve?

RUBY (22:38): I know!! I’m sorry. I know this is properly, properly mental but I was really worried. Should I go? I can go???

JOSH (22:38): Stay right there!!! I’ll be down in a minute!!!

I drag a hoodie over my head, getting my arm trapped because I’m moving too quickly. My heart is moving at breakneck speeds in my chest, making it feel like it’s missing a beat every few seconds. My trainers are kicked under the desk, one lace knotted around the other, and it takes me far longer than any competent adult should need to get them onto my feet before I’m out of the room and halfway down the stairs.

The Christmas tree is on in the front room, all white lights and expensive-looking decorations Mum changes every year, but there’s nobody sitting beside it and no television on. Dad’s study door is shut. Mum’s bedroom is two floors above me. I don’t bother announcing I’m leaving because that would require somebody to give a shit where I’m going.

I pull the front door closed behind me and head down the drive, squinting through the trees until I catch sight of Ruby’s car near the gates. She’s parked half on the verge at a stupid angle, lucky that this street is dead quiet and manned by security, or someone would definitely end up in the back of her with how far the tail is sticking out.

I can make out her shape behind the wheel, phone glowing in her hand, head bent as she types. The girl has no business being here. I’ve barely spoken to her for two days, I’ve given her every reason to assume I want leaving alone, and instead of taking the hint she’s driven to my house.

I tap hard on the passenger window.

Ruby launches about six inches out of her seat and whips towards me, eyes huge. “You absolute dickhead!”

I laugh, opening the passenger door. “Hello to you too.”

“You nearly gave me a heart attack.”

“You’re lurking outside my house.”

“I’m not lurking. I’m parked.”

I pointedly look at the back of the car. “Badly.”

“Fuck off.”

Climbing in eagerly, I pull the door shut. The heater is cranked up so high it feels like I’ve stepped into a sauna, and there’s an empty Costa cup wedged in the holder between us, along with a packet of chewing gum and a bright pink tree-shaped car freshener.