Page 116 of Almost Ours

“Josh,” I press, my mind racing.

He looks up at me, embarrassed and slightly drunk and much more exposed than I think he realises. “I hear things and think of you, alright? Or you tell me you like something and then I hear it somewhere else and it makes me think of you again, so I put it in there. Ever since I met you, I can’t get you out of my head. That’s my way of trying to. That’s it.”

“That’s it?” He can’t get me out of his head. He thinks about me. He’s made a fucking playlist! “You have a secret playlist full of songs that make you think about me?”

“It wasn’t secret.” He corrects. “It was private.”

“But…” I’m struggling to pull my thoughts together without getting to hopeful. “Why do they make you think about me?”

He blows out a breath and rubs hard at the back of his neck, his eyes dropping briefly before coming back to mine. “Because I think about you all the fucking time, Ruby. Literally all day, every day, and that playlist is basically a walk down memory lane. Touch Me by Rui Da Silva was playing when we saw Jess drunk in the hall. Lady — Hear Me Tonight was blasting when you were stuck in the window. The Time Is Now had just come on before the lads ran in and said you’d been hurt, and I’d been sitting there listening to the lyrics thinking about you. The rest are mostly the same. I hear something that makes me think of you, so I stick it on there.”

He’s so casual with it, as if this isn’t single-handedly the most romantic thing anyone has ever done. I drag my eyes downwards, “I Want It All by Arctic Monkeys makes you think of me?” I hold the iPod up. “Unthinkable by Alicia Keys? These lyrics make you think of me?”

“Yeah.” He doesn’t look fazed as he admits it. “All the time. It’s fucking exhausting.”

My heart stops and slams into my chest again with hope blooming in my stomach. “Okay.”

“Don’t say okay like that.”

“Like what?”

“Like that’s good news.”

I frown. “Why wouldn’t it be?”

He looks away, jaw tightening. “Because I can’t have it.”

Ah. There he goes. There’s the wall he is so willing to slam right back up, shutting me out. “Right.”

Josh shakes his head, but he looks downright angry. “Rubes. Don’t do that.”

“Do what?”

“Get all disappointed in me. I hate it.”

“What am I supposed to do? You’ve just admitted friendship isn’t all you want and then said I shouldn’t get my hopes up. What do you expect me to say?”

Josh leans forward, resting his arms across his knees while he stares at the scattered counters between us. “Look, I’ve got used to you being part of my life really fucking quickly and I don’t want to fuck that up.”

“Why would you?”

“Because I’m me.”

I roll my eyes. “That is such a Josh answer.”

“Yeah, and it’s the absolute truth.”

“You really believe that don’t you?”

“Yes.”

“That’s why you keep shoving friendship on us when we both know this thing isn’t normal?”

“Yeah.”

This is more than I’ve ever been able to get out of him. “Why do you keep running away from it, Josh? Like, actually?”

“I can’t lose you,” he mutters it so quietly I have to strain to hear him. “I like you too fucking much, Rubes.”