Page 48 of The Fall I Fell

Dad smiles and shakes his head. ‘Whether you like it or not, you and your brother will always be our babies.’ He pinches my cheek like he used to when I was younger. ‘I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but things aren’t not okay, Ava. Me and your mum both realised that our priorities were all in the wrong places. Hell, you’re going to university next year, and this is the first exhibition of yours that I’ve ever been to. We both worked too much, we both lost ourselves and each other thinking that we were making a good life for you kids, not realising that we were only making it worse.’

‘We could have all moved together.’ I feel like a child, calling out for Mum and Dad in the middle of the night after a nightmare.

Mum speaks next, her brave face slipping away in favour of genuine confidence. How have I not noticed that that’s what she’s been trying to hide? ‘Sometimes, we have to let things go. They hurt in the moment, but you realise that in the long run, that loss is the only thing that can make your future a happy one. I’ll always love your dad. But we’re both happier now. And I hope one day you’ll realise you are too. Look at all of this Ava.’ She points to the mob around the tree. ‘You’re going to be just fine, wherever you go.’

I hug them both tightly, and they wrap their arms around me and each other. It suddenly clicks for me – they’re both in a better headspace. Despite Dad’s early morning taxi services to my friends, the dark circles around his eyes have cleared, he looks well rested, his hair is neatly cut, his face freshly shaven. Dad doesn’t look anything like the version of him we left in London a few months ago. He looks happy.

Maybe Mum didn’t break his heart. Maybe she didn’t rip a hole in this family. Maybe if she’d waited that year longer, both of them would be past the point of return. Catching a glimpse of her, I notice for the first time that she too seems brighter, less tired, more in tune with herself and the world around her. She excuses herself to go off and chatter away to everyone, not once letting her smile slip, but I know this one is genuine.

It still hurts. But maybe they’re right; maybe all of this will be worth it in the end.

‘Well Miss Matthews, I have to say, you get points for originality. Can’t say I’ve ever had to climb a tree to do my marking before, but here we are.’ Mrs Hill chuckles to herself as she taps her Biro against her chin. We’re standing at the periphery of the group that has gathered, and the mingling of my London life and farm life seems to carry on just fine without me. ‘I know it is not your original plan, but I’m impressed.’

‘I need to confess something.’ Her bushy eyebrows sink under her glasses. ‘None of the photos are mine, they’re all taken by Jacob. Mine were ruined in the storm. I’m grateful you’re here, but I can’t accept this as my grade for photography.’

Mrs Hill cackles, and the abrupt noise makes me jump. ‘I know it’s all Thorogood. I’ve been familiar with his work for a while now – the style he has is something of a marvel. But you forget I am also here because of your fashion A-level. I have been in touch with your tutor back in London after you gave me her details, and she has given me the authority to look at your work and send her my thoughts ahead of your final course work grading. I’ve taken plenty of photos for her to cross reference, but it is all looking in tip-top shape to me. You should have nothing to worry about, Miss Milan.’ Sliding her glasses back up her nose, she walks back across the field and out of sight. ‘Cheerio!’

I can only take a moment to blink and absorb all of this. All hope for my future, it seems, is not lost.

Pen watches on from the side, her hands clasped together in genuine happiness. Sucking in a deep breath, I finally find the nerve to approach her. ‘I need to thank you,’ I say. ‘I really don’t know how I can repay you.’

‘Don’t be silly, that’s what friends are for!’ She smiles, and my gut gurgles.

‘But I haven’t been a good friend to you.’ The sight of her now, looking so genuine, so kind, makes the guilt from my feelings eat me alive.

‘You mean about Jake?’ she replies without hesitation.

I nod, too ashamed to speak. Have I been that obvious?

‘Me and Jake aren’t together. Not any more,’ Pen says. ‘To be honest, I don’t even think you could say we were in a relationship, not properly anyway. We’d only really hang out in the group, but I think we were mostly together because we were both lonely.’

‘I don’t understand?’ I shake my head, unable to comprehend what she’s telling me. I’ve seen them together. I’ve watched them embrace. For years.

Pen curls her lip in a sad smile, not like her usual cheery self. ‘I wanted us to be together, but I don’t think his heart was ever in it. We gave it a go a couple of times, but it’s hard getting a guy to love you when he’s already in love with someone else.’

I open and close my mouth, trying to find something to say, but no words come through.

Pen just chuckles. ‘Yes, I mean you, Ava. Since you came back, I tried to make it all work, but it was never going to happen. That night you saw us in the treehouse … he was calling the whole thing off. For good.’

‘But—the Halloween party?’ I mumble out loud, though I doubt she has any idea what I’m referring to. If he had split up with her then, why didn’t he correct me when I confronted him about having a girlfriend? Why would he still insist we were friends if he left her because of his feelings for me? My brain throbs in my skull, and I have to rub my temples to try and relieve some tension.

‘I don’t know what happened then, but he’s a confusing boy, that’s for sure.’

For the first time in the years of knowing her, she has a genuine sadness cloud her face and I pity her. ‘I’m so sorry, Pen.’ Behind her confidence and her beauty, she’s been a real person, caught in the middle of all this messiness. Part of it is my fault, but I also know all too well how much a heart broken by Jacob Thorogood hurts.

‘It’s my fault. I should have run far away after our first break up, when he first told me he liked you as more than a friend. But I had always just hoped that one day, he might feel just a fraction of what he felt for you for me. I was jealous of the way you’ve always been each other’s favourite person. I’ve never had that, and I realise that I’m not going to if I keep trying to cling to Jake. He’s a good friend, he always will be, but that’s all.’

There’s too much to digest there. The first time they broke up? When did Jacob tell her he liked me? And if she’s always been jealous of me, the same way I have been of her …

‘Why would you help me?’ I can’t help but ask. ‘Why bring Mrs Hill? Why would you be so nice to me when I’ve done nothing at all to deserve it? Why not scream and cry, and pull my hair?’

Pen only laughs a weak, resigned laugh. ‘None of us can help who we fall in love with.’

I open my mouth to apologise again, but she places her slender hand on my shoulder and smiles, genuinely this time. ‘It’s sad, beyond measure, and it would probably be easier to hate you, but I don’t.’

With no words left that would be of any use, I wrap my arms around her in a tight embrace. She’s a better person than I could ever be. ‘Thank you, Pen.’

Chapter 26