Page 81 of Will to Run

“A bonus,” I cut him off. “Say it, Jaxon. It’s what you said to Cayson. Everything after was just a bonus.”

He tries to grab my hands, but I jerk them back. This man is never touching me again. “Please look at me, Della. Please.” I bring my watery eyes to his. I am determined not to let him see a single tear fall. “None of that was how it sounded,” he begs me to listen.

“Sure thing,” I say. “You know, I’m not sure what’s worse. If what you said was true, then I’ve been played. And that sucks. But if it’s not, the fact that you think so little of me, that you’re willing to spit that vitriol to get your brother off your back instead of digging in and defending me? I’m worth so much more and I won’t tolerate it. Not anymore. I’ll be out of your hair soon,” I say, pivoting on my heels and walking out the door.

“Della, please. Fuck, please,” he begs, following me.

“Leave me alone, Jax,” I say with my back to him. “No one deserves that. Not even my worst enemy. And I just have to add, at no point in whatever the fuck this was, or what I thought it was, did I ever have a single inkling about taking advantage of you.” I swipe the tear that escapes quickly because how could he think that?

“I know you weren’t. I never thought that. I just… the words just came out to shut him up. You weren’t supposed to hear it.”

I don’t have to look at him to know he’s got tears in his eyes. But I can’t turn to him. That would be too hard to see.

“You’re right, Jaxon. I wasn’t. But how fortuitous that I did. Now I know how you really feel. I wonder what other things you’ve said about me when you didn’t think I’d hear.”

“I swear to you, I don’t…” he chokes out.

With that, I don’t even let him finish his sentence before I leave. When my ass hits the golf cart, I’m desperate to get out of his presence. Nothing undercuts righteous anger faster than a golf-cart getaway, but I make it to my cabin in record time. After the front door is closed, I put my back against it and sink to the ground, bringing my knees to my chest so the tears can freely fall with the weight of everything he said.

What am I going to do? Maybe I’ll just leave town completely. It’s not like I have an actual job that matters. He created it. What else has he lied about? Maybe I’ll just go and live with Quinn. I kind of like this cowboy life. Or maybe I do what I was initially going to; head to Driggs and then keep going west. Find the coast. I’m sure they need physical therapy aides who moonlight as an artist.

Artist.

Fuck.

I have that art show coming up. I really don’t want to back out of it. Since being here, I have rediscovered parts of myself that I thought I never would, painting being one of the most significant. But my thoughts are so scattered, and any semblance of rationality just keeps getting interrupted by the cutting sentences repeating in my head.

I was a bonus.

He created the spot.

He was biding his time until I left, and he was already planning on hooking up with someone else.

Paying rent and putting out.

I know I was the one who pushed for the physical relationship. I’m the one who asked him to explore things I’ve wanted. Things probably would have progressed to this point anyway, but I poured on the gasoline and lit the match.

And now, I’ve never felt so cheap.

That thought is the one that brings me to my feet. I drag through the cabin and find comfort in my bed. Curling up in the fetal position, I clutch a pillow and cry for all the things that have happened to me over the last five years.

40

JAXON

I’m left standing on the porch of my house in disbelief, watching Della drive away, and my stomach drops out of my body. The dread is immediate and all-consuming. I can’t believe Cayson pushed me like he did. I can’t believe she heard any of the things I said.

But most of all, I can’t fucking believe I said them in the first place.

Closing my eyes, my head tips to the sky. Fuck. I’m too scrambled to even begin to think of a game plan of how to fix this, only the magnitude of my fuck-up.

That and the boiling anger I’m feeling towards my brother. Since I can’t run after the golf cart, I storm inside to find him. He’s sitting at the island and looks at me when I come in.

“Jax, it’s too short a time for this level of attachment, probably because it was calculated on her end. I’m sorry, but this might be for the better, you know? ”

I’m on him in a few steps and fist the collar of his shirt, pulling him out of the seat.

“The better? Fuck you, Cayson. There’s a possibility you just ruined my fucking life. Just because you’re so miserable in yours doesn’t give you the right to be jealous and fuck up mine.”