Page 56 of Will to Run

“I talked to my father briefly, but not Tripp. I think I had like two hundred and fifty missed calls the day of the wedding from a number of different people. I blocked Tripp and co, but I can’t bring myself to block my dad, even though the conversation was only focused on why I wasn’t going through with the wedding. When he didn’t have any concern for me, we didn’t end the conversation on a good note. I know it’s fucked up, but in some weird way, seeing him call makes me feel like he still cares. Because for those eighteen months, he didn’t call, and that hurt worse.”

“Del, I don’t know how to respond to that. It’s so fucked up. I’m so sorry.” The words seem cheap, but I genuinely don’t know what to say to her. The hurt has to be so bone-deep. It makes me admire her even more that she is staying so strong in the face of it all.

“What’s your story, Jax? Why aren’t you dating or married?”

I decide to go along with the subject change because the other stuff can’t be easy for her to talk about. “It sounds cliché, but I still haven’t found someone. I’ve had a couple of serious relationships, but nothing I was ever willing to take to the next level. There’s no big secret or big trouble; I just haven’t found it.”

“Your standards must be impossibly high. I just can’t believe someone like you is still single.”

“By choice,” I laugh, “but not anymore. I am in an exclusive and committed sexing situation.”

Because of the timestamp, calling whatever is happening between us sexing feels safer than I have more chemistry with you than I’ve ever had with anybody. And it scares me that I’ve never felt like this before.

“Anyway, since we’re laying cards on the table, what else is on this list? I need to know what stretches I should be doing.”

27

DELLA

This morning brought on unexpected emotions, but I can’t shake the contentment of Jaxon’s arms. Lying next to someone who wants me and reaches for me gives me a taste of self-confidence that I’ve been missing for far too long.

When he asks about what else is on my list, I think about everything I’ve scribbled over the last few months. Although I can’t remember it all, there are a couple of big ones I’ve fantasized about alone in bed.

“I can feel you smiling, Della,” he chuckles. “Share with the class.”

“Remember last night? When you lifted me into the air, and my back was against the door. I want to try that with no clothes and, you know, like… actually do it.”

“Really?” he says. “Well, that’s an easy one. I would’ve fucked you against the door last night without question. What else you got?”

“I wanna try different positions. I’ve only done two,” I say.

If one could hear an eye roll, I would have heard it. “Let me guess,” he says in a deadpan voice, “missionary and doggy style.”

“How do you know?”

“Lucky guess. He would’ve slept with you for the first time missionary, and then I bet he did doggy because he likes to ride.”

The matter-of-factness makes me pause. Because I’m sure he’s right.

“Give me the top three positions you wanna try,” he says. As I’m thinking, I feel his dick push against my leg, and I’m here for it.

“Okay, I wanna be on top. That’s the number one thing I wanna do.”

“Cowgirl? Well, given you’re living at a ranch, that’s a must.”

“And then I want you to sit. Like on a couch or chair, and I just wanna be on top again. Is that weird?”

“Weird? Not even a little.”

“Is it weird that we’re talking about this kind of clinically?” I ask.

“Nothing about this is clinical. This is you telling me what you want. And that’s gonna be helpful so that I can have my own game plan. One day you won’t be here, and I guarantee that your ability to verbalize these things will be beneficial to all parties involved. Anything else you wanna share?” When the words leave his mouth, I can’t help but catch the briefest shadow in his eyes, like he regrets saying them.

I get it, though. I hate when I’m forced to remember that I’m here for a finite time, because it’s so easy to forget.

“There’s a little part of me that wants to, like… be told what to do,” I continue. “Not like hard-core domination or anything, and not in a mean way, just taking charge nicely. Is that a thing?”

“Everything is a thing. Truly.”