Page 89 of Let’s Be Real

Which was why I didn’t talk about my insomnia or how muted my emotions were.

Seeing the three of them here, though, more worried about my mental health than the fact I’d been sleeping with Adrian’s best friend in secret, my defenses lowered.

“It’s long overdue. I’ve felt…removed from myself for some time now, but keeping up with the status quo has been easier than making a change.”

Ben blew out a heavy puff of breath. “Christ, Natey. I had no idea.”

Adrian sat up, sweeping his narrowed gaze over me. “You’re always calm, steady Nate on the outside. What’s going on inside?”

“For the most part, that’s it. Calm and steady.” I held out my hands. “But there’s more to the human experience than that. I’ve—”

I cut myself off, and Adrian leaned forward, staring hard. He wasn’t having it. “Say it, Nate. Don’t hold back.”

My eyes locked on his. “I’ve gotten peeks of it with Samantha. Like she sends away the fog for pockets of time. Everything is bright and clear. Intense in a way I haven’t felt in a long time.”

He kept staring, and I couldn’t quite decipher the emotions on his face. I didn’t think he was angry, but that was as far as I could read him.

“So it was real?” Roman asked. “You and Sam—it was real?”

I turned to him, half-smiling at Ruby and her tiny, scrunched-up nose. “It could have been. She didn’t want it, though.”

“She doesn’t know what she wants,” Adrian spit out.

“Wait.” Ben sat up straight, his head swiveling between Adrian and me. “Do you mean to tell me Adrian isn’t actually in love with Samantha?”

Adrian rolled his eyes. “No, dude. My answer hasn’t changed any of the thousands of times you’ve asked me. No torches being carried. No one’s pining. My lips touched hers one time in the throes of puberty; we both nearly vomited, and that was it. She’s free to date whoever she wants, including Nate. God, I wish it were Nate instead of the jackasses she normally chooses.”

For a split second, I was relieved he felt that way. Almost happy. But it snapped away just as quickly. It wasn’t how Adrian felt that mattered.

“She doesn’t want that.”

“She does. She doesn’t think she can have it,” Adrian replied. “You know her family now. You saw how they were. Those are the people who shaped her definition of love. Now she only wants it if it hurts.”

“I would never hurt her.”

He dropped his chin, his mouth puckering like he’d tasted something bitter. “I know you wouldn’t—that’s exactly why she’s running away.”

“You talked to her.”

It wasn’t a question, but he nodded anyway. “She said she’s leaving you in peace.”

I nearly laughed. “She told me that too.”

“You don’t feel peaceful?” Roman asked, taking Ruby out of her carrier.

“No, not really.” I held my arms out, and he passed me my niece. She was just starting to fuss when he produced a bottle from the diaper bag at his feet and handed it to me. I waved it at her. “Is this what you want, sweetheart?”

Her eyes lit, and she fussed a little harder, squirming in my arms. The moment the nipple hit her lips, she was all business, sucking her mother’s pumped milk down like she hadn’t been fed in weeks.

This should have been peaceful. This tiny, sweet girl who’d never known anything but love and goodness, a solid weight in my arms. I loved her and would die for her, but still, I was removed from it all. I didn’t like it.

“You’re really into her,” Adrian said.

“Yeah.” I kept my eyes on Ruby, who was gripping my finger tight in her little fist. “I’m sorry for keeping it from you. I didn’t think it would become…this.”

“Are you okay?” Roman asked.

“I’m okay,” I assured him, and I meant it. I was disappointed, bummed out, but I wasn’t spiraling. “I don’t like the situation, but there’s not much I can do about it.”