Page 105 of Let’s Be Real

Her eyes met mine, glimmering and curious. “What were you thinking?”

“I was thinking about your heart. How big it is. How big it’s always been. Wondering how I’d managed to miss that until recently.”

“Too big, maybe.”

I shook my head. “To me, it seems just the right size. It’s astonishingly beautiful.”

“Well…” She blinked, her nose crinkling. “You’ve filled it up pretty completely, Nate.”

“I filled your heart?”

She nodded, rolling her lips over her teeth.

I took her hand, laying it flat over my pounding heart. “You’re in there, Samantha. Deep.”

Her mouth fell open with a light gust of breath. “Are you saying you’re falling for me?”

“Come on.” I huffed a laugh. “The falling has already happened.”

“Oh.” A few more blinks, a nose crinkle, then a small smile. “So you’re saying…”

“I’m saying I just realized I’m in love with you, but I think I have been for a while now.”

Another “Oh,” but this one was higher, squeakier, and her smile grew. “You’re…I…” She licked her lips, then rubbed them together and dropped her voice to a whisper. “I love you too, Nate.”

“Yeah?” I tilted my head, trying to get a clear picture of this moment for my memories. “Do you think that’s a good idea?”

“It’s the best one I’ve had in a while.”

I hoped so. I never wanted her to look back on this and wish she could take it back.

I’d just have to try harder to keep her happy and fight the dread looming like an oncoming storm.

My thoughts were sticky. The inside of my skull was one of those plasma globes I’d had as a kid. I paced my bathroom, the lights off, staying on the rugs so my footsteps were silent. Sweat beaded my brow and dripped down my back even though my skin was clammy and too cold.

This was the second night. No, third. Maybe fourth.

What day was it?

The rope in my hands was frayed, and it was all I could do to hold on. If I let go, everything would unravel.

I could not let go.

There was too much to do. Roman and I were closing a deal in the upcoming weeks. We had an investor meeting next week, plans for more acquisitions. It didn’t stop. Couldn’t. And he had his kids, his wife—too much for me to let go of my end. I had to keep moving. Keep carrying my load.

I paced, rubbing my head to find some relief. Painkillers didn’t touch it. I’d taken…far too many, and my skull was still acting as a conductor to high-voltage electrical currents. How had I ever thought those plasma balls were cool as a child? What kind of toy was that?

Samantha was sleeping. At least she was sleeping. Peaceful. And she was in my bed, where I needed her. As long as she was there, I could work through this. Battle it back until it was quiet enough to get some rest.

That was how it had been working, but the last four nights, though…or was it five? There’d been no stopping the onslaught of sticky thoughts. They were putty, attaching to every surface they touched and stretching to impossible lengths. One thought tumbled into another until the whole night was gone and I had to sneak back into bed so Samantha wouldn’t know I’d spent the night in the bathroom getting my ten thousand steps.

It was starting to scare me, but every time I thought about reaching out—to my doctor, to Roman, to Ade or Ben—heavy, cloying dread kept me from lifting a finger. What if this was the normal result of losing a mother and I had to work through it?

This wasn’t how I’d felt when it had gotten bad before, so maybe that wasn’t what this was.

I could function. It was getting trickier, but I could get out of bed and go to work. My feelings were switched on. If anything, they were stronger than ever. I was in love, and I made love to my beautiful girlfriend every night. I held her tight in my arms and felt her deep in my heart, surrounding my organs, under my skin.

If it were bad, I wouldn’t feel those things.