Page 80 of Heavy Crown

“I’d rather not.” He brings his cup to his lips and leans against the edge of the island, facing me.

In between sickness spells today, I worried he’d be distant with me when he appeared again after what happened between us last night. He’s angry and frustrated. Not at all what I expected to combat.

“Have I done something wrong?” I ask.

He runs a hand along his brow. “If you could have anything in the world, what would you want?”

You.

My unvarnished truth doesn’t include professing my undying love for him. He’s made it clear he doesn’t want or need it.

“To be loved,” I whisper, and I hold his gaze. It’s as close as I’ll come to admitting what I’m sure I feel.

“You don’t feel loved?” Alex’s gaze is soft and assessing. He sets down his mug on the island, but he doesn’t come to the couch.

“My father chose the farm over me. My mother chose my father over me. I barely speak to my brother—he’s chosen the army. Derrick chose Janessa’s vagina over me.” I tuck my hair behind my ears. “I want someone who loves me enough to put me first. I just want to be someone’s first—the person they want above everything.”

He abandons his mug and sits on the couch. He draws my legs over his, so I’m partially sprawled across him. He rests his palm on one of my knees, and a tingling sensation spiders out from the contact.

“You deserve that,” he says, and his voice is husky. “Did Derrick tell you that last night?”

I let out a startled laugh. “That he chose Janessa’s vagina over me?”

He eyes me with a hint of a smile. “I suspect he didn’t use those words.”

“No. No. He still doesn’t want me. He wants something from me. He asked me to convince you to rein in the health-and-safety and employment-standards dogs.” My dinner with Derrick wasn’t a total disaster. When it came down to it, he was more honest than I expected. Our frank discussion at least allowed us to part on semi-good terms. The fact that I’m no longer in love with him made a huge difference in me accepting he’s always been self-absorbed and self-centered, and the advice my mother tried to give me before I left for Bellerive might have been more well-meaning than I believed at the time. I didn’t want to hear Derrick wasn’t the one when Bellerive already felt like home.

“Ah, so Dumbass Derrick was still, ultimately, looking out for Dumbass Derrick.” His thumb circles my kneecap through the thin blanket.

“Yeah,” I admit. “We had a good chat, though. I don’t know. Despite the food poisoning, I’m glad I went. Solidified things I suspected.”

“About him?”

I meet Alex’s gaze. “About a lot of things.”

The air around us hums. He must know. Can he sense it? The depth of my feelings?

“I have no intention of making his life or his family’s life easier after the way they treated you.”

“I’m not asking you to.”

We stare at each other, and he slides his hand under the blanket so we’re skin-to-skin. A shiver of awareness races down my spine.

“Dr. Bennett tells me you shouldn’t go to work tomorrow either,” he says.

“He called me,” I say. “Is there anything Dr. Bennett doesn’t tell you?”

A slow smile spreads across Alex’s face. “He only tells me if I ask.”

“You were concerned about me?” A warm glow spreads across my chest. He was alarmed enough to bring Dr. Bennett to see me earlier when I was too out of it to appreciate how sweet the gesture was.

His dark eyes take on a teasing glint. “Merely worried about my staff and the kitchen. At the rate people eat your cheese bread, the whole estate could be compromised.”

“I will accept the compliment and ignore the implication my health and safety standards are subpar.”

He lets out a soft chuckle.

“Do you really need to work as much as you do? Or are the insane hours what you’ve become used to instead of being necessary?” He never talks about his royal duties other than giving me a brief rundown of his day when he arrives at night. The intricacies of how long certain things take to plan and execute are lost to me.