Page 78 of Uncrowned

The more I learned, the more I dreamed. Maybe even fantasized. My thoughts were twisting. The darkness was seeping into the torn edges of who I used to be.

Was I good?

Was I bad?

Was I… good at being bad?

I didn’t know. A part of me wanted to.

Yes. Something in me was broken. Lust had never taken over me. I felt it with Vaughn, but I was able to resist.

Now, having him was all I could think about, and it was because of the rape. Maybe the violation stained my mind. I was tainted, and the only way I could think to satisfy the need was to satisfy myself.

Control.

I knew it was at the root of my unstable behavior. One part of me wanted to scream while the other wanted to get overpowered again. This time—by choice. I didn’t even know what to expect aside from the pain, but my body craved something to fill the hole inside me. I needed the emptiness those guards had left behind gone, or else I would truly go crazy.

“You’re distracted. Again. Do you want to die? Hands up. Protect yourself.”

I threw one more punch into the pad Vaughn held, growling at him as he slammed it against my shoulder. I went stumbling at the force. I ripped back the Velcro, throwing the boxing glove right at him.

“I’m done.”

“You are not done. We’ve barely even started.”

“I’m tired.”

“You’ve had days to rest. You’re rusty and you’re not even trying.”

I spun from heading to the bed, stomping right up to him.

“If I’m rusty it’s your fault. Maybe if you kept a schedule⁠—”

“I have work to do, Penelope. I can’t just stay here all day, every day. The Order is a mess. Redmond and I are working with The Judic going through rules and sanctions. I’m busting my ass trying to find more evidence. What do you want me to do?”

I took off my other glove, hitting him with it as he swatted it away.

“Let me go.”

Vaughn stiffened, his defensiveness turning to rage as he stared me down.

“No.”

“You have other priorities. I can’t just live in this room by myself. Let. Me. Go.”

“No.”

Pain crinkled his brow. He crossed his arms over his chest, not backing down from my stare.

“I want to leave. You made a mistake. We both did. Let’s act like adults and both admit⁠—”

Vaughn was on me so fast, I barely managed to get my hands up between us.

“Stop saying that. This is not a mistake.”

“The sooner you admit it to yourself, the faster you can try to find someone more suitable. We both know it’s not me.”

His eyes closed, and his head went back and forth.