Page 55 of Blue Sky

I paused. Was I really going to bring up marriage? Yes, I was. I had to lay it all out.

“But do you want to be with me forever?”

His face turned pale. “I’m in love with you. We have only been together for a month. But I’m getting there, babe. You are incredible.”

A lump grew in my throat. “Well, I would marry you. Today. Now.”

He shook his head. “Why do we have to rush everything? We live together. You are moving in with me. I just want to make sure it’s forever.”

“I don't want to be your nanny. I want to be your wife.”

His neck tensed. “My wife? We have only known each other for ten weeks, and we have only been dating for a month. I’m not saying I will never marry you. But it’s too soon right now. Catherine and I dated for six years before I proposed.”

“I’m not Catherine! I’m so sorry that your wife died but I’m not her. And you dated long distance. We live together. I am your wife for all intents and purposes. I cook for you, watch your daughter, clean your house, do your laundry, sleep with you at night.”

He held my arms down. “Babe, listen to me. I’m crazy about you. You know that. But I have so much going on right now. With the airshow season kicking up and waiting to get orders. I don’t know where I will be next year. I’m sure this is going to work out, but I don’t see what’s so wrong about taking this slow.”

“We are not taking this slow. You will never decide to marry me. I’ll always be the nanny. That is not what I want. That is not what I deserve. I love you. And I would make an excellent wife. If you are not ready, I understand. I never expected that you would be. But I can’t move the girls across the country on a maybe.”

He dropped his hands and paced in the kitchen. “So what? You are breaking up with me? After I opened up to you? Trusted you with my daughter? After I fell in love with you?”

“You trusted me with your daughter before you opened up to me. You hired me as your nanny, remember?”

“Look, I know you are scared, and I get that. This is a risk. But love is always a risk. And you are worth it to me. I’m not going anywhere. I just want to get through this year, figure out where I’ll be stationed, and then make some decisions. I’ve always been practical. And I want to make sure because Sky is involved.”

I wanted to scream but I didn’t want to wake the girls. “Love isn’t rational! Love is passionate and messy and heart wrenching. I already know I would do anything for you. And I want to know that you feel the same way about me. That I’m not just some runner up because your amazingly beautiful, perfect, classy wife who your mom loved died. I want to know that you love me just as much if not more!”

And with that, I knew I had gone too far. But I didn’t for a second regret the words that came out of my mouth. I meant every one.

“I can’t give you want you want right now. You have no idea what it’s like to have your whole world ripped away from you. My feelings for my wife have nothing to do with my feelings for you. I wish you could understand that.”

“I do understand that. And no, I have no idea what that’s like. But I do know what it’s like to have nothing. Because my entire life has been nothing. Until you. And Sky. And I want this so badly that my heart is in knots. I need you. But I need you to need me to.”

“Of course I need you. You know that. You are everything. You are beautiful, kind, sexy, loving. I’m just not ready to propose to you today.”

“Well, I deserve more. I deserve everything.”

And that was it. I had pushed the issue and he had given me an answer. An answer that I didn’t want to hear but at least it was honest.

“The girls and I are moving to San Diego tomorrow. I’m buying a car and we will be gone. My mom has agreed to terminate her parental rights.”

“So that’s it? After everything we have been through you are just shutting me out?”

“Yup. That’s it. This will never work. We are too different. Like your mom said, I don’t want to ruin our chances.”

He shot me a pointed glared. “That’s so unfair. I never said that, nor do I think that. I don’t bring your mom up.”

He was right. That was dirty. But I didn’t care. I was mad and lashing out. I had just given up the only man I had loved. “I’m sorry. But it’s true. You deserve someone like Catherine. Not me.”

He walked over to me and held me, and I didn’t push him away. “But I want you.”

I want you too. “We can’t always have what we want.”

“What about Sky? She loves you.”

And that broke me. “I love her too. But I don’t want to be her nanny anymore. I want to be her mom.”