Page 107 of Beast

“First, you get all jealous about Chris and now you’re interrogating me about the johns? You know I don’t want to talk about them.”

“Please, Annie. I have to know.”

Her hands clenched into fists. “What do you want me to say? You want to hear how he forced me to make out with Nicole? What positions he fucked me in? Will that make you happy?”

“Dammit, Annie. Is that what you think of me? Of course, I don’t want to know that shit. You don’t think it kills me that all those men used you? That I used you? Every fucking night since I met you, I have nightmares of faceless men who fuck you. And in them, I’m fucking helpless and can’t save you. I want to kill every man who has ever touched you. I just wanted to fucking try to understand why no one ever saved you. Is that so fucking wrong?”

She pulled out her hair, like she had on the night I’d returned to the brothel. “I’m sorry, Pat. I’m just so screwed up. I lost it. I hate myself.”

“I’m not mad at you.” I pulled her to me, and kissed her forehead. “I know this is hard for you. I’ve been thinking about it and I want to know. But if you don’t want to tell me that’s fine.” I wasn’t using reverse psychology—I didn’t want to upset her further. She’d tell me when she was ready.

“I’m sorry,” she squeaked.

“I’m sorry I brought it up. Forget I asked. We need to leave soon to meet your boyfriend.”

“Ha ha. I’ll get ready.”

Annie emerged from the bathroom wearing a short skirt, a tank top, and strappy sandals. Granted it was eighty degrees, but she looked too damn hot to go outside.

“What are you wearing?”

“Jesus, Pat. Controlling much? It’s scorching out and I thought you’d like it. I bought it yesterday. Now you’re going to tell me what to wear? I was a hooker, I’m beyond modesty.”

My throat became dry. We weren’t communicating at all. “No, I’m not telling you what to wear. But we’re going to meet your ex-boyfriend. I already don’t trust him, and I don’t need him lusting after you in front of me. You can wear whatever you want. It’s going to be so fucking hard for me to be away from you when I deploy next month and you’re not making it any easier.”

“So, if I dress sexy it will be harder for you to trust me? That’s dumb.” She wasn’t backing down.

“That’s not what I’m saying. I trust you. He’s your ex. I’m a man—I know what he’s going to think when he sees you. You’re fucking hot.”

She shrugged. “Okay. I’ll change.”

God, was I that much of a paranoid asshole? I wasn’t one of those men who thought women who dressed sexy were asking for it. I just wanted to protect Annie. I didn’t want anyone fantasizing about her. It would be impossible for me to focus on my job if I were worried sick about every man eye-fucking my woman while I was away.

She came back out in longer shorts, a tee shirt, and the same strappy sandals.

I kissed her. “You still look hot. Thank you.”

“It’s not a big deal. I get it.” She rested her head on my chest. “Thanks.”

“For what?”

“For being honest with me about your feelings. I want you to be able to trust me. I didn’t realize how hard it would be for you to accept my past. I knew you wouldn’t judge me for what happened, but I forget that it must be tough for you to think about me being with those guys. What I’m saying is, it means a lot to me that you want to be with me.”

“I’m not going to lie to you and say this is easy for me. Because it isn’t. No man wants to picture anyone touching his girl ever, let alone hundreds. I know it wasn’t your choice. I know it wasn’t your fault. In my head, that girl was Star.”

She had a gleam in her eye, like an inner glow from her soul. “But for me, I feel like you’re the only man who gets me. Because you saw me as Star. And you’re still here. You haven’t only read about my past, you saw me first-hand like that. Fuck, I mean, you hired me. Star is a part of me and I don’t want to forget about her. Ever. If it weren’t for Star, there would be no Gabriel. She made me strong. Nothing can shake me now. I’ve made peace with my past, getting taken, the rapes, the drugs, and the men. Yeah, it was a nightmare. But it was my path. I was meant to be Gabriel’s mother. I was meant to find you. Therapy and yoga help me to understand that. I forgive my kidnappers. I feel like I can do anything, endure anything.”

I was mesmerized by her. Her forgiveness for the men who took her blew my mind. I never forgave people, my ex, the guy who hurt my mom. Annie was a better person than I was. She made me want to become a better person.

We woke Gabriel up, got him ready, leashed up Trigger, and we walked out the door.

Annie constantly amazed me with how strong she was. In BUD/S, the men who made it through weren’t necessarily the strongest men, the fastest men, or the smartest men. But they were the ones who, on day one, were determined not to quit, no matter what. They would not ring that bell.

Annie was like the men who made it. No matter how hard her life had been, she had been determined not to ring that bell under any circumstances. She was exactly like me. She could survive anything.

Maybe even loving me.

We drove to Solana Beach to meet Chris. He had picked the place, Zinc Café. I didn’t care; I just wanted to look him in his eyes and hear him say there was nothing going on between them.