Page 78 of Until Ace

Seeing that, I lose the hold I had on reason.

"Stop hiding from me, Mandy!” I roar. “I'm not going to leave you. I'm not gonna abandon you. And I'm never, ever giving up on you. Don't you see?” I lift my arms out at my sides, indicating the space we’re in and me. “This is it. I know it sounds crazy, and some might think it's impossible to feel this way already, but here it is. I'm in love with you. I told you that already, but somehow, I don’t think you believe me. So hear me now. I am. In love. With you. I love you!” I yell the last part. Maybe if I shout it in her face enough, she will finally hear me. God knows, showing her isn’t doing the trick. “All of you. Your face, body, and soul. Your masks and your walls. Even your damn secrets. So please, stop. Just stop and let me in.”

“I thought...” Mandy swallows. The movement is painful to even look at. “I thought once I was out of that house I would be free. Free of her shackles, free of her shadow. But I was wrong. Boy was I wrong.”

We stand in silence for a few moments, to give Mandy some time to collect her thoughts.

When it seems she’s so lost in her mind she will never come out, I lean forward and take her hand in mine, gently pulling it from her mouth. I command softly, “Say it. Give it to me. Let it all out, baby.”

I’m petrified of what she’ll say next, of what happened to her, but I also know that whatever she went through is what made her. And if she tells me, I can finally take care of her like she deserves.

“I met a guy. Derek.” Her mouth twists as she says his name. “He was my first real boyfriend, and what can I say?” Mandy shrugs as if that says it all. And on some level, it does. “I was smitten. I was envisioning our future together. For the first time in a long time, I was actually happy. But then, just like she always does, my mom came back into my life. All it took was one visit from her to mess everything up.” She shakes her head like she can’t believe what she’s saying.

Hell, even I know how messed up a parent can become, but seeing and hearing all she’s gone through, I realize I was lucky. I was lucky to have Beverly to take me out of it and give me a good life.

Mandy lifts her head, her wild eyes looking between the window and me, and she says in a high-pitched mocking tone, “My Mandy, she would let you walk all over her before making you raise your voice at her or be disappointed with her. And she’s never said no to me in her whole life.” Mandy’s breath catches, wet from her unshed tears before she continues. “That’s what my mom said to Derek. And honestly, it’s the truth. The one thing I can’t stand, the one thing that hurts me the most, is when someone is disappointed in me. And I hate when people yell at me. Especially if it’s for no good reason. But that weekend, she basically told Derek how to break me, or to at least bend me to his will. She destroyed the relationship before it even had a chance to become something… more. Something I could cherish. Unfortunately, it took me months to get out of his clutches. Months in which I missed classes and deadlines, effectively destroying any chance of passing my courses. And since my parents weren’t paying for my tuition, it became too much for me, so I dropped out.”

I watch her as she visibly collects herself. I want to take her in my arms again, tell her to stop talking, tell her she doesn’t need to say anything more, but I know she needs to get it out.

She needs to get all of it out, so we can move on from this.

So she can finally start believing in me.

In us.

She needs to start living without fear.

After a few deep breaths, she swallows, looks at me, and goes on.

“To this day, they throw in my face the fact that I haven’t graduated. My parents. My siblings. They love to do that. Every time we get together—which, granted, is less and less, because I try really hard to find excuses for why I can’t make it—my brother and sister have a go at me. Their favorite activity is counting down all my failings.” She tilts her head, her look distant. “Remember that time Mandy didn’t catch a ball and it smacked her in the face? Or remember that time her boyfriend brought home another woman right in front of her, and then Mandy came around asking for sympathy? Or remember that time Mandy said she was a good girl and would do something with her life, thinking she was better than all of us, only to end up working as a receptionist at a car dealership? Can’t even sell cars. No, she’s worthless. The only things she has of value are her face and body, and she doesn’t even know how to properly use them.” On the last word, her voice breaks, and I have to clench my fists not to snatch her up and kiss her to stop the ugly words from coming. How can anyone treat somebody like this? Especially their family?

Every word that comes out of her mouth claws at my insides, shredding me.

“That’s what they say. Every sentence that starts with ‘remember when Mandy’ makes my stomach clench so bad the only thing I can do is hope I won’t puke.” She searches my face for something, and then she continues. “But that’s not the worst part. The worst part is that my mom, my own mother, has tried to pimp me out so many times I lost count. Whenever she needed something, some favor or money, she tried to set me up with a man. Whenever Mom or my sister rack up a credit card debt they can’t pay, they come to me to do it. When I don’t, I’m called the worst names you can think of. But when I go along, when I give them money, they shower me with affection. For a brief period, I’m the golden child. My mom loves me, and she sometimes goes as far as to say she’s proud of me. And every time, I fall for it. It’s like I crave that shit. I’m so desperate, waiting for some kind word or action from my family, I’m willing to do just about anything. But lately, they’ve become unreasonable. And it’s usually about my brother. Every time Jim finds trouble—and it’s a lot of trouble he’s capable of finding—I’m the one they call and persuade to do something to make it go away. Until now, I was lucky. I was able to make it all go away by greasing the palms of the people they needed me to handle. I didn’t have to use my body. And still, a favorite nickname of my mother’s for me is ‘whore,’” she whispers, tears now tracking down her face.

“And what about your dad?” I rasp.

“My father?” She laughs humorlessly, shaking her head. “My father buries his head in the sand. He denies everything. And his only comment is ‘just go with it, Mandy. Find a way to do what she wants. You know how she is.’ And now, you see. You see how pathetic I really am.” She squares her shoulders, standing taller, ready for whatever comes at her.

“I don’t think you’re pathetic, Mandy.”

I’m in awe of her.

How was she able to walk away from that house without becoming so jaded she became like them?

“You don’t?” She gives a small, sad smile. “Well, I do. Wanna know why?”

“Why, baby?”

“Because after all of this, I’m still ready to do whatever it takes to get that man to leave Jim alone. To leave me alone. But mostly, so that you don’t become tangled in all of this.”

I walk to her, taking her face in my hands, and assure her, “You do not need to look after me. And the time that you stop doing anything for your family is now.”

“I would sooner walk away from you than let you risk anything for them. And this is a situation I’m not sure either of us can handle anymore.”

Chapter 17

Mandy