Page 25 of Until Ace

Mandy

God, I'm so tired. I’ve tossed and turned all night with no sleep at all, while replaying the encounter with my parents. And then, as if that wasn't enough, I went and reread the threats that were lurking in my phone. Threats from people who are after Jim, demanding their money, since as always, Jim sent them my way, knowing I usually settled his debt.

Jesus, whenever I look at it, it's as if the phone itself is screaming at me.

After a few hours, I decided to give up on sleep and get a glass of wine, hoping the middle-of-the-night drink would help me relax. It always did well helping me pass out. I toyed with the idea of taking a sleeping pill, but all they do is trap me in my mind so I can't come up to the surface, to full consciousness. Also, after a night of that torture, the next day, I'm always groggy and even more exhausted.

No, if I have the option, I never take pills.

Now, with drink in hand, I go to the bathroom and realize, stepping in front of the mirror, that I left my phone on the kitchen counter. A shiver rocks my body when I remember why I fled the room and abandoned my cell after I poured my wine, but as if it has magnetic powers, I retrieve it and press the button to wake it up.

And sure enough, there is a text waiting. But it isn’t one I expected.

Ace

I want to see you.

I didn’t even have to question how he got my number or the fact that his was already programmed into my phone. Because there was a text right above it that I had most definitely not sent.

Me

This is your aunt. Sweet Mandy lent me her phone to google a Monopoly rule, and while she’s off in a daze, I thought I’d move things along. So here’s her number, and you’re now in her Contacts. You’re welcome, my boy.

And thus, a different, sweeter form of torture begins.

I passed on the pills, and now I pass on the wine, leaving it forgotten by the sink.

I don’t sleep a wink, but I let go for the first time in years and dive into the fantasies and dream of what it could be like if Ace were mine.

It is a beautiful image, but the sun comes up too soon and makes it dissolve like mist.

Still, the sweet feeling from merely thinking about what could be follows me all the way to work.

“Excuse me,” a man's voice calls my attention.

“Hello.” I smile my bright, fake smile. I've trained myself to smile as if the person receiving it is the only person I want to give it to. And sure enough, the man sways a little before catching himself.

I can see a shift in him as he gains confidence. As always, the pretense works.

“I know you.” He points with his finger at me and gives me a wink.

Ugh.

I don't say anything, giving him a few moments to feel like he has a chance. When, in truth, only one man does. And he's out of reach. At least for me.

“May I help you?” I ask politely, even when all I want is to crawl somewhere and cry my eyes out.

My mother's words from yesterday still ring in my head. You never leave your family behind.

All of this is too much for me.

One second, I’m pining after a man I laid eyes on a couple of times; the next, I’m still trying to find a way to resolve the situation with my family, even after I finally put my foot down.

I have to stop being so weak.

I have to take my life into my own hands.

I was so sure I had done it yesterday, but in the light of a new day, I’m again slipping into my little weak existence.