Page 11 of Until Ace

Why should I be the go-to call when everything goes to shit?

Why won’t they all just leave me alone to live my life in peace?

I know that’s wishful thinking and never going to happen. Not until I stand up for myself and cut them all loose. I’m also fully aware I’ll never do that. If I did, then it would mean I’d truly be alone.

They never help me, and they’re never there for me, but at least I can fool myself into believing I have someone who cares for me out in the world. If not in a practical sense, but in theory, I have parents and siblings who care about me. Just on that, I can spin an image of a loving family while I’m lying in the dark, staring at the ceiling, and wondering what I’ll do with my life.

Before I know it, the dam breaks, and tears start rolling down my cheeks. First, it's the silent kind, but as I let the thoughts about my family torture me more and more, the fact that I'm all alone rises to the surface, and the sobs come as well.

God, when will this end? When will I have peace from it all? When will I break free?

“Mandy?”

The soft voice scares me, and I slam my hip into the wooden table when I jump away from the barely-there sound.

Mia takes a step toward me. “Oh my God, are you okay?”

I quickly wipe my face with the back of my hand, fully aware I’m making even more of a mess of my makeup than my crying did.

“Yeah. Yeah, I'm all right. You just scared me a little.”

“Are you sure?” she asks in a gentle tone. “I heard what Ken said and then saw you basically run in here.”

“You came to check up on me?” The idea is so foreign I can’t help but blurt the words out.

“Of course.” She tilts her head, confusion taking over her features. “Why wouldn’t I?”

I don’t answer her. I was sure she didn’t like me, just like all others who work. Especially since she gave me that look way back when she started dating Talon. I’d seen her reflection in the glass.

When I stay silent, she goes on. “Listen, I could talk to Ken and ask him—”

“No!” I interrupt her. I don’t want her to go plead my case for me. I don’t want to get the position as a favor to someone. “Thank you so much for even offering. You have no idea what that means to me.” She truly doesn’t. Never has anyone offered to do something like that for me. I was always the one everyone came to, to resolve their problems.

I wish I could take her up on her offer. But I want to do it on my own. I want to achieve something I can look back on and be proud of. I want to be able to someday say I did it. I worked hard, I gave it my all, and I did it. I just need to cut my family loose first.

The only problem is, I’m afraid I’m not strong enough to do that. That’s the department I need help in. And as I was crying about before she found me, I know the reason I don’t do what needs to be done; if I sever all ties with them—if I truly, for once, say no—I will be left all alone.

And that’s terrifying.

Above all else, I’m sick and tired of feeling lonely.

“Are you sure?” Mia looks at me, skepticism written all over her face. I can see she really wants to help me get that job. Almost as much as I want it.

I take a step closer to her, and for the first time in my life, I lower my guard, letting another person truly see me, and reach out to touch her lightly on her arm. “I’m sure. Thank you for your offer, but I’m sure,” I say with all the gratitude swirling inside me.

“Oh, Mandy,” Mia whispers, tears swimming in her eyes. I guess she can see just how much her words and offer mean to me. Suddenly, she reaches out and grabs me by my elbows. Her pull is so forceful I stumble into her. In the next breath, her arms are around me.

God, how long has it been since someone gave me a hug?

Judging by my body’s reaction and how strange—but at the same time, marvelous—it feels, it’s been a long fucking time.

“You’re not alone, Mandy. I’m here.” Her breath, as she whispers, tickles my ear. But her words rock me to my core. I’m unable to do anything but stand like a statue. I want to hug her back, I want to say thank you again, I want to let her know how much she just gave me with this simple yet profound gesture, but I can’t. My body refuses to move, and the words get stuck in my throat.

“Now…” She pushes me gently back so she can look at me. “How about lunch?”

Before I can say anything, Ken pops his head around the door. “Mia, Talon is here.”

“Thanks, Ken. I'll be right out,” Mia answers, not looking away from my eyes.