Page 43 of Homecoming

I couldn’t imagine living with a burden as massive as that. But he had to know it wasn’t his fault.

It was an accident. He had to stop beating himself up over it and start living. I reached out slowly and took his hand.

“Look at me,” I demanded. It took effort but his eyes focused back on me. “You have to stop blaming yourself.”

It was like I slapped him all over again, but I didn’t retreat. “You have to forgive yourself. If only so you can live your life and honor the memory of those two boys.”

He tried to get away from me, determined to let guilt eat away from him. I was sure that after all that time it had become his crutch. It was an excuse for why he couldn’t get what he truly wanted for himself. And why he felt like he didn’t belong in his own life.

He was convinced he didn’t deserve it.

“Yes, you were driving that night. But, Ian, you were also just a boy. You didn’t know what you were doing. And you weren’t drunk or high, you got distracted. It happens to millions of people on a daily basis. You didn’t murder them, it was an accident.”

His chest heaved again, his breath becoming choppy, and a fresh bout of tears glided down his cheeks.

I couldn’t take it anymore, I had to hold him, I had to be there for him.

I scooted closer and wrapped my arms around him, murmuring soft words into his ear.

After some time, his sobs subsided, and he started kissing my neck.

I knew what he needed, and I was glad I could give it to him.

I let Ian make love to me in the middle of the floor in a hotel room.

As he entered me gently, I felt as if he touched my heart and soul. Every fiber in my being sighed with contentment. He looked me in the eye the whole time, letting me know he felt the same.

Our climaxes weren’t fast and loud, they were soft and slow, but they were the most profound we ever experienced.

We lay in bed, both of us naked after making love again. Ian was on his back, one arm thrown over my hips, his other under his head.

He was staring at the ceiling. He was quiet for so long that I was half sure that he'd fallen asleep with his eyes open.

Sighing, I nestled into the sheets, relaxing, letting the slumber overtake me when he asked,

"Am I a good man?"

Two months ago, I would have said that I didn't know him, but I’d hoped that despite all the things that had gone wrong in his life, he’d grown up to be one.

Two weeks ago, I would have said yes without a second thought.

Two days ago, I would still have said yes.

But now, after he’d told me everything, there was only one answer.

I got up on my elbows and looked at him. I wanted him to see the truth in my eyes so that he would never doubt me. "You are the best man I’ve ever known, Ian. Yes, you made mistakes, but even when you were a teenager, you owned up to them. You went on with your life, but you carry those two boys with you. You take care of their father. You honor their memory, and live the best life you can, for you and for them. There is not a single doubt about the fact that you are a good man."

As I talked his breath got choppy. A glassy sheen covered his eyes but he stayed silent.

I plopped back down, getting comfortable. I wanted to ask if he was okay, and if I could do anything to help, but I knew he needed the silence. He was warring with himself, and there was nothing I could do. It was up to him.

I was mostly in dreamland when I felt him turn to his side, his arm that hadn't moved from my hips pulling me into him.

I didn't react, not even when he breathed in my ear, "I love you." right before his whole body went slack, and he fell asleep.

Chapter Eleven

Ian