Page 17 of Good Intentions, Vol. 2

To my home.

We never talked about what we said in the dark. And we never mentioned that one day mantra.

I wanted to know what he meant so much I almost let it slip a few times.

I was too scared to ask.

I was just happy I had him with me.

Then I stepped more over the line of insanity and gave him the key to my apartment so he could come to me whenever he wanted.

And almost every night, he would either come home with me straight from work, or he would come in the middle of the night when he put Ben to bed. And he would either wake me up in the middle of the night so he could have his way with me, or in the morning. Again, so he could have his way with me.

I’ve reached a new level of stupidity when not only have I given him access to me whenever he wanted, I also started making nightly plans with him.

We also started texting each other about nothing and everything under the sun.

Just like any normal couple does.

But we were not like any other couple.

And there lies my stupidity.

I’ve let myself forget that fact.

We were still cautious in the office, but I knew Beth knew what was happening. Fortunately, for some insane reason, she was happy for us and didn’t mind giving us any and all excuses as why he would lock himself in his office, or why we needed to go out to lunch.

On the odd nights when we were apart, those were mostly weekends when his wife was at home, we would end our night with sweet texts and promises of being together soon.

I asked him once how come his wife, who I’ve never referred to with her name, that would make her all the more human and I couldn’t handle that, is not suspecting anything. More so with him not sleeping at home.

At that, he just shrugged his shoulders and told me the rumors were true. They don’t share a room, nor a bed. And besides, she’s out all hours, and she’s also used to him working all hours, including sleeping in his office. Also, for her to cotton on that something is happening, something any wife was dreading of happening, she would actually have to be interested in Nick and their marriage, and she hadn’t shown barely any interest in over two years.

I didn’t tell anyone, but hearing him say that, not only gave me a relief from the guilt that was plaguing me in every moment we’ve been apart and sanity tried to invade, and much needed excuse of our actions, it also gave me a relief and secured in my mind he was only mine.

With every breath I knew what we are doing is a one colossal mistake, but I couldn’t help myself.

And somewhere along the line I stopped caring.

“Hey,” I whisper not yet opening my eyes but instead enjoying the feel of his lips trailing the sheet.

“Wish I could stay with you today,” he says.

“Me too.”

“I’m sorry, baby. But I have to go and spend some time with Ben. He’s been counting down the days for this trip to the Zoo,” he tells me something he had told me ten times over the past week.

“It’s okay,” I whisper trying to get him to stop talking about the real world that’s outside my apartment doors and the people who live in it.

I made an art of denial. I didn’t allow myself to think about his wife and son, because I knew, the moment I let the reigns of it go, the harsh reality of what exactly I was doing would crush me.

“You’ll be back in two days,” I remind him. “Your son needs you. And you miss him. So, go and spend some time with him, be a daddy, then come back to be with me.”

“And I can’t wait.”

“Mmmm.... me either.”

“How are you feeling this morning?” he asks.