Page 9 of Good Intentions, Vol. 2

“Heather, fuck,” I vaguely hear him groan.

When I open my eyes, I see him looking at me, his cum all over his fingers and hand, forgotten.

“You’re perfect,” he says casually like he just said the sun is yellow.

“Nick,” I whisper not knowing what else to say. The awe and love radiating from his eyes matches the ones flowing through my veins.

I want this man all to myself. I don’t say that as we say our goodbyes and my promise of coming back home soon.

I don’t say I love him.

I don’t say I need him.

I don’t say anything as my screen goes black.

But I can’t help myself as I’m in my bed surrounded by darkness. I give way to my daydreams.

And for the first time since it all started, I ask myself, what if?

*~*~*

“How’s he doing?” I ask the question that I’m dreading the answer to. But I need to know. I haven’t seen him in a long time. And the last time I saw him, he was a broken man, the shell of the one I used to know. Once, he was my rock, he was the one I went to for every single thing that I deemed wrong in my life and he always made everything better. He was my Dad. But as the time went on, as my mother left us, as the town got more and more nasty in their comments, as I got older, he started losing himself more and more, giving into temptation of the relief that only seeing the bottom of the bottle gave him. I never blamed him, never resented him, but it got so bad and coupled with what happened to me, I just couldn’t deal anymore. And I got out. After everything that he’s done for me, I did the same thing as my mother, I left him. I left him for something I considered better than what he was giving, to me, to her, even to himself.

“You haven’t seen him?” Erin’s eyes are wide. I know she can’t understand why I haven’t seen him. And no matter how many times I try to explain it to her, she always just tells me to stop being stupid and talk to the man. With how hard she’s supporting me with my decisions about my Mom and my life, that’s one thing she won’t give up on.

“No,” I sigh. I really want to see my Dad, the only thing that’s preventing me to go to him is the last memory I have of the man. He was so broken, basically a shell of a man I remembered as a little girl, when times were better, happier. He completely gave up on everything, stopped living and just was… existing.

“I thought with all that time you keep disappearing, you were going to him.” The hope she had in her eyes gives one more flicker before it disappears.

“No, he doesn’t even know I’m here,” I look away from Erin, I can’t bear seeing the disappointment written all over her face.

Her hand covers mine on the table and she gives me a big squeeze. “You have to go to him, Heather. It’s time.”

“Yeah, I know,” suddenly my mouth is dry and all I can feel is fear. Through all my life, one thing I was promising myself and kept reassuring myself, was that I won’t ever become her. I won’t ever be like my mother. The fact I’m her mirror image is punishment enough. And yeah, I did the exact same thing. The only difference is, I’m not married and don’t have a child. The rest… completely the same.

It could end differently. Since last night and my stupidity of fantasizing about an impossible future, that sentence keeps running through my mind.

It could end differently.

Yes, it could. And I’ll make sure it does.

I will not be like her.

I will not make the same mistakes.

I will not break up a family.

“You’ll be surprised at what you’ll find,” Erin squeezes my hand trying to assure me.

“I talk to him from time to time, but it’s always about less important stuff,” I rub my forehead trying to clear my mind that’s plagued with the not so happy memories. “At first he was just checking in if I’m okay, then I started to check in on him, but I always made a point to call before seven pm as you know that’s the time he really starts loosing himself and I can’t bear to hear him so devastated.”

“Just go,” she stresses. “Maybe it’ll give you an answer for your situation.”

“I already have an answer of what to do.” I whisper, the pain of my decision not letting me speak. She doesn’t say anything, just looks at me, her eyes reflecting the same pain I feel. “Speaking of answers,” I say cautiously. “Do you have one for yourself? Have you seen him again?” Graham coming back is a big thing. Especially with how they left it when he went away. She waited for him, but as the time never stops, she moved on. And now, when she’s finally in a good place, having Max and planning her wedding, he decided to come back.

“I have,” standing up, she takes our coffee mugs and goes to the sink and just stands there, giving me her back.

“Erin, honey…” my voice is small, I know what that means.