Page 70 of Lift Me Up

"Sure, what can I do for you?"

I tell her before I can stop myself or second guess the decision.

When she walks away, promising to fulfill my request, I let myself fade out again before the pain returns.

The next few days are more of the same. More meds, more nausea from the meds, more in and out sleep. More pain. I try to get through it as best as I can with a smile on my face and ignore my phone when at all possible.

"Noah's here to see you," Mom says as she walks into my private room with a coffee in her hand and a bag of food in the other.

"What?" I say, flipping through the tv channels as if something interesting is going to appear through my fourth flip through.

"He's out at the desk signing in, I think."

"He won't get in," I say, picking at a pull in the crocheted throw mom brought me yesterday. She stills from where she is emptying the contents of her bag.

I look away from her as she questions, "I'm sorry?"

"He won't get in," I repeat.

She sits down, and I can feel her watching me. She knows something.

"Georgia?" I glance up instantly to meet her hardened gaze. "What did you do?"

I feel my cheeks flush, , "I—he can't see me like this. Mom, I don't want that. I don't—he can't..." The words come out garbled, I cover my face because I know what I've done is terrible but necessary.

"Georgie, he's scared. He wants to see you. He⁠—"

"Needs to learn to let go. I have to let him go."

“Have you told him this is what you’re trying to do?” I say nothing. My mother crosses her arms across her chest, "You know, Georgia, I thought I raised you better than that."

"Mom…" It’s like she's stabbed me in the chest. Nothing hurts more than a parent being disappointed in you and openly admitting it to you.

"No. Don't try to get out of this now. I'm only going to say this once. Okay? You are acting like your father right now. He didn't want people to see him struggle. He didn't want people there to support him when he couldn't himself. He didn't want me, and I was fine with it. I had you, and that was more than enough for me. And I know I raised you to be smart and kind and confident and strong in the face of your adversities. I have never known you to be so... cowardly."

I choke out a sob. I didn't even know the tears were coming until she said that. She doesn't hold back, though, she keeps going, "Georgie, I don't mean to hurt you. But you're being an idiot, and you're not an idiot. Brandon, now he was an idiot. He cared about what you couldn't give him, what he wasn't going to have in a life with you. He didn't see all that you could give, and what you wanted with him. He only cared how he could get away without doing a single thing. He resented you for all the wrong reasons, and never saw the right reasons to stay. But Georgie, this one is different. Noah is different. And I know, I know it has to be your decision, and I know you're scared that he will walk away like Brandon did. But I don't think he will. I think... I think he cares very deeply about you, and you've said it yourself he's never tried to change you or fix you or hurt you in any way. If anything, you're hurting him by not letting him be here. Honey, I love you. But you need tough love right now, or you're going to ruin something that could be..." she lets out a breath, as if in deep thought.

I have no words. I don't know what to say or do. She hit me right where it hurts, opened me up and bared every fear and worry and thought in my mind without even trying to.

"You will be the one to decide what's best for you, Georgie. But don't lead that kind boy on if you're only going to break his heart. He doesn't deserve to have what Branden did to you done to him." Mom clears her throat, "This is lunch for you, I heated it in the microwave up here before bringing it in, so it should still be hot. But I have to go now, I'm having lunch with Abi." This was a topic I could talk about. This, I could do.

"You two are talking again?"

"Yes. She invited me to lunch, and I accepted. Gives you some free time to think, I hope. I love you, Georgie." She kisses my forehead, cutting the conversation short and leaving the room before I can ask anything further.

True to her word, I am alone with nothing but my thoughts and the soft clicks of the IV machine. I wipe away the tears, putting my head back against the crinkling hospital pillow, begging someone, something, to send me a sign. To tell me what I need to do. Mom can't make my decision for me, and I know what she wants me to do. I have to think about Noah, his feelings, his future desires and if I think I can give him that. If I can't see myself being able to provide him the life he dreams of, I need to walk away. Why does love have to be this difficult?

"Georgie!" Joanna skips her way into my room with a smile on her face, holding a light brown teddy bear with a white ribbon around its neck. I know in my gut who that is from.

"Who's this?" I gesture to the bear. Joanna, my favourite nurse during this stay, wiggles the bear at me and says with a grin, "Your boyfriend brought him. Who, strangely, you had me send away. I'm going to need details on that."

"I'm sick. He's perfect. Such is life," I shrug, taking the bear and begrudgingly; I smile when I see that Noah has written my name and his on the ribbon in a sharpie. Tied up in the ribbon is a tiny note, and I take it out to read it, not caring that Joanna is there to see my reaction.

Hope you feel better beary soon. Get it?

Seriously. I miss you. Let me see you. I miss you.

Followed by 11 more lines of I miss you in his beautifully messy boy scrawl.