Page 82 of False Promises

This time, nothing calmed the tremors inside me.

My shoulders heaved as I tried to keep the emotional tidal wave, emerging from the deepest parts of me, locked in.

“Hey Cart.” Dahlia’s soft voice rattled me. “How are you? I was about to call you… No idea why, just a hunch.” After Savanna’s ultimatum to cut communications with her, I had hidden her number in my personal trainer’s contact information. Yes, I was now the guy talking to his family under fake pretenses.

I sat there, with all the words I wished I could speak tangled inside me.

A river drenched my face.

And right now, nothing I did or said would stop the current.

“Carter?” Dahlia’s voice acted like a balm around my bruised heart. “Are you okay? Talk to me.”

With the phone glued to my ear, I said nothing.

“I know you’re listening to me right now. You know I can feel your emotions even from this far away. So, you listen to me, Cart. Inhale. One, two, three, four. Exhale. One, two, three, four. Again.” She paused for a minute. “See, it’s working. Keep going. Remember what the doctor told you. When you’re overwhelmed and you feel a crisis coming, stop and breathe.”

I did as she said, following her lead as she counted out loud.

“Did something go down?”

Some sort of strangled hiccup, part cry, part snort, left my mouth.

“When I visited you, I could tell something was wrong. That it weighed on you.”

I rested my forehead against my folded knees. How could I tell her I’d not been honest with Jack and her because I made a pact with the devil? That sometimes I barely recognized myself nowadays.

“Cart, I wish you would talk to me. Instead of keeping everything inside. That’s not like you. To bottle up your feelings. I’ll just say this, okay? Don’t be miserable because you think that’s your only option.”

How could she always dig up the truth buried in my heart?

“You’re one of my favorite people on this planet. You’ve been through too many adversities already, and you don’t deserve to keep punishing yourself. Whatever happened in the past and whatever you choose to do from now on, stop thinking you deserve shit and hell. Because you don’t. You never did. You never will.”

Dahlia breathed loudly, and her voice shuddered, filled with her own emotional overload. “Cart, what’s going on? Please don’t shut me out.” The softness of her voice wrapped like a blanket around my heart. Shielding it from the agonizing pain.

We remained silent for the longest time.

“Should I worry? Are the demons from your past back to haunt you, or is it something else?”

I forced in a jagged breath, trying to clear the thick fog sticking to my mind.

“It’s all messed up,” I whispered, my voice strained.

Dahlia stayed mute, waiting for me to continue.

“I miss you and Jack. I miss my old life. I fucking miss my—” I dragged a hand over my face. “It’s just…sometimes…it feels like I’m drowning. Or a steel hand is wound around my windpipe, choking me until I can’t breathe.”

I leaned back against the wall behind me, trying to untangle my thoughts, keeping my eyes shut.

“Are they memories or current events?” my best friend asked.

I exhaled. “A mix of everything. Right now, I miss him. A whole lot. I wish he were here, and he could spill his wisdom on me. There are days when I do need my big brother. Even if it’s just for a headlock or talking shit about whatever I do. And he’s not there. My love life is going down the drain, and I would really like his insights. Or just a tap on the shoulder. A sign. And his unbiased opinion.”

“Cart, I’m sorry. I still miss him too, you know. Every day. Like deep down, in my heart, there’s a scar that will never heal. That will stay raw forever. One thing I know for sure, he would be proud of you. That would have never changed. I swear. I know it deep in my core.” Her own tears drowned some of her words. “God, I love you, Carter. I always will. Life threw us a shitty hand, and we all had to deal with it. It wasn’t supposed to go down this way. I’m sorry. I really am. For everything.”

“Dah—”

“No. Listen to me, Carter. I said I’m sorry before, but I really am. For everything that happened between the three of us. I’m aware it fucked with your mind for a long time. You never got angry at me. For a reason I can’t figure out, you still fight for me. Beside me. With me.”