Page 105 of Game Plan

Just like that, he was gone. No funny remark, no kiss on the forehead, no flirting.

Did I wreck everything between us when I rejected him the day he showed up in my sociology class?

My heart cracked in my chest at the thought, and I felt like I’d be sick.

My eyes stung with unshed tears.

My gaze followed him as he retreated through the glass door, wondering if he was really doing better. He pulled one guy into a bro hug and grabbed another one in a headlock, giving him a noogie, both of them laughing. From where I was standing, his smile appeared genuine. I waited a little longer, yearning for him to glance back at me over his shoulder like he would normally do, but he never did. He walked further into the room, and I lost sight of him.

I looked at the vending machines set in a corner. Numbers started piling up inside my head. I held my breath. This wasn’t good. I couldn’t go there. I refused to go there.

I fidgeted with my hands, not sure how to occupy my brain and lock my thoughts away.

Bile rose in my throat. A strangling sensation formed in my chest.

I searched for Mason with my eyes, but I couldn’t see him. Panic surged through me at a dizzying pace. He was avoiding me. I needed him right now. His grounding power and his calm. I had no right to depend on him. I had told him once that I didn’t wanna rely on him. I still believed it, even though in that instant I felt the exact opposite. Confusion flooded me. What was happening? My mind twisted into a maze of contradicting thoughts, and my breathing quickened.

I was the one who had blurred all the lines of our relationship and rejected him more than once. After what went down between us after I’d caught him shooting drugs into his veins, followed by the hot dog episode, no doubt he was done with me. I’d be done with me too if the roles were reversed.

My lungs collapsed. No air could reach my brain anymore.

Ohmygod, what had I done?

Had I destroyed everything between us?

Had I ruined what we had?

But most of all, was I the only one heartbroken right now?

“I messed up…huh… I think,” I said, dropping my shoulders in defeat.

Luciana’s attention drifted to me. “I guess we’ll start with you, Melinda, then. Tell us, what happened?”

“You know the guy I told you about, the one I used to be friends with? We’ve been growing closer again lately. He-he wants us to be together. To date. So far, I’ve been doing my best to keep him at arm’s length, but he made that declaration the other day, after we got a little too up-close and personal, and I turned him down in front of a bunch of people. Now he’s acting weird and keeping his distance. I have no idea what to do.”

“How do you feel about it?”

“Baffled. Sad. I don’t know. Many things have happened, which confused me even more. The thing is that I relapsed last year because I thought I wasn’t pretty enough to be with him even though he said the opposite. And now, I feel like that again. Not the relapsing part, though. I…I’m afraid it could reappear if we ever get together for real. Deep down, I believe it’s my fears talking, and I’m just using them as an excuse to avoid being brave. My friends agree.” I buried my face in my hands. “Like I said, super complicated.”

Luciana leaned forward, linking her hands together, her gaze trained on me. “Do you think there’s a chance you will relapse if you date this guy, Melinda? Does he make you feel like you’re not enough or does he trigger your anxiety?”

“No. He makes me feel like I’m the only girl who exists in his universe. It’s kinda powerful. He makes me feel strong and capable, happy and excited all at once. Does that make sense?” I risked a look at her.

She bobbed her head twice. “It does. From what you’re saying, I don’t see a reason why being with him would hurt you, then. What do you think?”

I remained silent for a long beat, my thoughts spinning inside my head.

She tapped her pen on her notebook, waiting for me to say something.

“I think you might be right…and that my friends are too. I’m projecting my own insecurities about personal stuff onto him, using my past struggles as a defense mechanism.” I couldn’t believe the words that had just left my mouth. Cassidy would be proud. Her psychological jargon was rubbing off on me.

“Well said.” Luciana watched me with a pleased expression. “That’s a very grown-up observation.”

“Thanks. I’m not sure I’m ready for all it means, though. It’s kinda scary.”

“It’s your call, Melinda. Only you can decide the matters of your heart and who is important enough to be let in.”

“Yeah.” My voice dropped an octave, and I bet no one heard my single-word reply.