Page 45 of In at the Deep End

“Have you met someone? Is that it?”

He shook his head immediately. “No.”

“Then why now?”

Owen took a long breath and opened his eyes. “Because every day I don’t tell you, I lie to my best friend.”

Tears trickled down her cheeks. “So you always knew.”

Owen shook his head. “No.” She frowned, and he knew he had to tell her everything. “I knew I was different.” He swallowed. “But I spent years convincing myself I could ignore it.” He hesitated. “Before you—before we started dating—there was someone.” Another hard swallow. “Professor Stevens.”

Her frown deepened, and then she froze. “Baby Prof?”

He nodded. “We’d become close.” Except that one word didn’t even come near to describing them.

“Were you in love with him?”

Owen nodded. “I think so.” For the first time in his life he’d stopped pretending to himself.

“What happened?”

“He wanted us to be together. He had this whole plan for after graduation. A life that included me.”

“And?”

Owen sighed. “I was twenty-one.” He bit his lip. “My parents would never have accepted it. My father would’ve disowned me. My mother would’ve pretended I didn’t exist. Most of our friends would’ve looked at me differently. Not that I could imagine telling anyone.” Another swallow, but there was now a lump in his throat. “So I walked away. I convinced myself that if I could do it once, I could keep walking away forever.”

She stared at him. “You were frightened.”

He huffed. “I was terrified.”

“So you left him.”

Another nod. “I told myself it had just been a phase.”

Cyn closed her eyes. “Oh, Owen.”

“I told myself I wasn’t really gay. That I’d simply been confused.”

“And then you asked me on a date.”

He nodded. “You were already my best friend. Well, you and Jeff. You made me laugh. You challenged me. You understood me.” The prick of tears came once more. “I already loved you.”

“But not⁠—”

“No. Not like…” He couldn’t lie now. “Not like I loved him.”

A tear slid down her cheek. She looked at him as though she no longer recognised the man standing in front of her.

“So…” Her voice cracked on the syllable. “You’ve been in love with someone else…” She swallowed. “…for our entire marriage.”

Owen’s heart lurched. “No.”

“No? Because that’s how it looks from my angle.”

He shook his head. “Professor Stevens has been out of my life for sixteen years.”

“But you just said⁠—”