Page 30 of In at the Deep End

“I’ve never met anyone who made me think God, I have to be with this person. I’ve had girlfriends. You know that.” Matt rubbed the back of his neck. “They were lovely. I liked them. I enjoyed spending time with them.”

“But?”

“But when things started heading towards sex…” He searched for the words. “It always felt like we’d skipped a few chapters.”

Eric studied him. “You weren’t attracted to them?”

“I don’t know if I wasn’t attracted to them, or whether I’ve just never been attracted to anyone enough.”

Silence stretched between them.

“Have you ever really wanted somebody?” Eric asked at last.

Matt thought about every girlfriend, every almost-kiss, every relationship that had quietly faded because he never seemed to want what came next.

“Not the way everyone else talks about it.” He frowned. “People describe it like being hungry. Like it’s impossible to ignore.” He let out a sigh. “So I started work on my master’s and stopped dating. It wasn’t fair. The girls I met deserved somebody who couldn’t wait to get them into bed.” He chuckled. “While I was happier discussing The Third Man.”

Eric laughed. “I don’t think that’s the sentence you think it is.”

Matt grinned.

“So how much gardening have you done so far?”

He related the trips to B&Q, IKEA, meeting Cyn… The Isle of Wight crept in at some point, along with old photographs and stories of what Owen and his dad got up to.

“Mate,” Eric interjected.

Matt stopped. “What?”

He grinned. “You haven’t mentioned the garden once.” Matt blinked, and Eric laughed. “You’ve spent five minutes talking about your boss.”

Matt opened his mouth then thought better of it.

Eric gave him a hard stare. “Promise me something.”

“What?”

“If this Owen turns out to be as interesting as you think he is, don’t spend the whole summer hiding behind your dissertation.”

“I’ll try.”

“You always say that.”

“And your point is?”

“You’ve got a habit of watching life instead of living it.”

Matt didn’t answer. That one landed too close to home.

“Now go back inside and do some work. That dissertation won’t write itself.”

“Do you think you could drag yourself away from Stirling for a weekend? It’d be great to see you.” Matt didn’t think his parents would mind having a guest, especially if he took Matt’s room.

I could always sleep on the couch.

“And if I wanted to bring a friend?”

Matt laughed. “Is that what you’re calling Garth? And does he know this?”