Page 196 of In at the Deep End

“I don’t know. Maybe I pushed too far. Maybe I thought something meant more than it did. Maybe I got too comfortable.”

“Matt.”

“I’m trying not to make it a thing.”

“What thing?”

“This.” He gestured helplessly at the station, as though his dad could see the mess inside his head. “I don’t even know what I’m asking for. He never promised me anything. That’s the worst part. I can’t even be angry with him.” His voice broke on the last word.

His father said nothing.

Matt took a breath. “I miss him. I miss him all the time. And I don’t know how you’re supposed to stop missing someone when you haven’t actually lost them.” His eyes burned. “And I keep thinking maybe if I’d done something differently…”

“No.” The word was immediate. “Don’t do that to yourself.” Dad’s voice held something fierce beneath the softness now. “You don’t get to decide everything that’s gone wrong must somehow be your fault.”

Matt inhaled slowly. “I just wish I knew what happened. I think that’s why it hurts so much.”

Movement caught his eye. He turned his head to find Eric standing in the doorway.

“Dad, I have to go.”

“I’m sorry.” Dad’s voice was so quiet.

Matt’s eyes filled again, and he swiped at them. “Me too. I’ll call you later.”

“Okay.”

“Love you.”

“Love you too.” The call ended.

Matt slid the phone into his pocket, then stood to accept the hug he knew Eric had for him. Matt held on longer than he intended.

“Let everything go for a while, okay?” Eric whispered. “Even if it’s just a night.” He stepped back and studied him. “Can you do that?”

For a few seconds, he let himself breathe. “Yeah, I can try.”

Eric picked up one of Matt’s bags. “Come on. Garth’s cooked enough curry to feed a football team.”

Matt forced out a hollow laugh. “Maybe you should’ve warned him I wasn’t particularly hungry.”

Eric gave him a sideways glance, but said nothing.

Matt followed him out to the car, his head still replaying the conversation with his dad.

I know why I haven’t asked Owen where I stand. Because I’m frightened the answer will be exactly what he said all along.

What if he did ask, and Owen said, ‘This was always meant to end’?

Whatever hope he’d been quietly building would die in a heartbeat.

That made things easier.

Matt would choose uncertainty over confirmation any day.

Owen should have been enjoying himself, but some small, stubborn part of him kept expecting Matt to appear through the side gate. Every time it opened, Owen glanced across.

Every time, it was someone else.