Page 173 of In at the Deep End

Jeff opened his eyes and stared. “So you have thought about it.” He swallowed. “Supposing you do make it that long as a couple. One day he’ll wake up and realise he spent the best years of his life looking after an old man.” His voice cracked. “One day he’ll want children. A family. Someone who can give him things you can’t anymore.”

Owen’s throat seized.

Jeff looked him in the eye. “I hate that I’m saying this to you.”

“I know.”

“Because I fucking loved you like a brother.” He gave a bitter laugh. “Which makes this bloody impossible. Because if this were anyone else…” He stopped. “If you were in your early forties, I’d probably be buying champagne.”

That hurt most of all.

Jeff wasn’t rejecting them. He was mourning the life he thought Matt deserved.

And the problem was, Owen understood every word.

He’d already thought about the age difference. Of course he had. He’d thought about it before the first time he’d kissed Matt, before he’d taken him to his bed, before he’d allowed himself to discover what it felt like to have Matt curled against him in the quiet afterwards.

He’d told himself adults made their own choices. That Matt knew the difference between twenty-five and fifty-two. That nobody could predict what life would look like twenty years from now.

But he’d never asked himself the question Jeff had just forced into the room.

What if Matt woke up one morning and regretted the choice he’d made at twenty-five?

What if the things he wanted at forty-five were things Owen could no longer give him? All those things Jeff had spelled out: children, a family… and time.

A future that stretched further than Owen’s did.

Owen stared down at his hands.

He’d made sure nobody expected forever from him. It had seemed kinder that way. Now, for the first time, he could see another possibility.

What if keeping things casual wasn’t protecting Matt from heartbreak?

What if it was simply delaying it?

His chest tightened.

There was one thing he couldn’t argue with.

If Matt really was falling in love with him, then Owen no longer had the right to pretend this was only about sex.

And if he couldn’t offer Matt everything he deserved, maybe the kindest thing he could do was make sure Matt never had to choose between loving him and having a life.

Even if that meant Owen had to break his own heart first.

Jeff was quiet for a moment. “So what are you going to do?”

The question Owen had been dreading.

Owen gazed at him. “I don’t know.”

Jeff nodded. “That’s honest, at least.”

“I care about him.”

“I know.”

“I don’t want to hurt him.”