Page 6 of Retrofit Analysis

It should feel better to realize this. How many people can claim this sort of success?

I don’t usually think about myself getting older. I know time is passing, obviously, but I don’t necessarily feel like an old fart except when these young guys, all filled with brilliant ideas, put things in motion and sort of make me feel left behind. I’m not entirely sure I know what to do with myself if I’m not making sure things are ok at Beltane.

I’m about to slip into some sort of pity party about it when my brother skids into my office. Mick is freshly showered, chewing gum like he’s trying to destroy it. “Kel,” he says, sinking into a chair, his foot shaking as he crosses it over his opposite knee. “My boy was telling me something very interesting.”

Mick vibrates. He’s always done so. Mom used to say he was made out of electricity. I know damn well what he’s referring to, but I decide to play dumb. “Which boy was that, Michael?”

He reaches in his pocket for a fresh stick of gum. This must really have him agitated if he’s going through multiple pieces in a morning. “Is it true that Elizabeth Burns now lives across the street from you?”

“I didn’t think you’d remember her.” I fold my hands on the desk, willing my body to be calm, trying to ignore the growing tornado inside me as I think about how I’m supposed to deal with this situation.

Mick cackles, sets both feet on the ground, and grips the edge of my desk. “Don’t think the time I caught you two in Gram’s backyard isn’t burned into my brain,” he says. “Even this leaky sieve remembers that.” He taps on his skull for emphasis. “My niece also tells me she’s been pestering you about getting back in the game.”

“Oh lord.” I bury my face in my hands. It’s one thing for my daughter to say these things to me and make me upset. It’s another entirely to think the whole family is out discussing me like some sort of highway attraction.

“I know you all think I’m a batty old dirtbag,” Mick says, leaning back again with his hands laced together behind his head. “But I happen to think Orla’s right about this one. It’s been a long time, Kellen. It’ll do you good to go out. Meet people. Be social.”

“I hate people,” I remind him. Mick sucked every extroverted gene out of our mom’s womb. I’m perfectly content with my work and my family in my life, even if those two circles overlap quite a bit.

Mick waves that comment away. “Come on, Kel,” he says. “What’s it been? Ten years? Fifteen? It’s not natural for a person to go that long without sex.”

“Mick, I’m not talking about this with you.” I feel nauseated at the idea of this discussion with my brother of all people. I will admit that he has a small point, in that there really isn’t anyone else I could have that particular conversation with. “I think that part of me is…just finished. That’s all.”

Mick squints at me. It’s not really a lie. I haven’t felt urges in years. First I was up to my ears taking care of Helen. Then I was grieving and parenting a teen girl all on my own. Nothing like your only daughter getting her period to stifle down any scraps of libido.

But I’m not going to tell him that the night I saw Beth in my driveway, I woke up from a very lucid dream. And I haven’t been able to shake the feel of it. My brother spits his gum toward my wastebasket and, thankfully, makes the shot. He and Callum certainly are cut from the same cloth.

“Listen, Kellen, I just want you to be happy. And whole. And I agree with Orla that Helen would want that, too.”

“I am happy, Mick.” I reach for my brother and pat his arm. “I have a good life.”

My brother stands up and walks around the desk, bending over and pulling me into an awkward, long-limbed hug. He kisses me on the cheek. “I love you, little brother.”

“Come on, Mick.” I straighten my collar as he extracts himself. We make eye contact for a few minutes and I watch him inhale, then exhale back to his usual self.

“I got a date with a pretty young thing this weekend,” he says. “Want me to ask if she’s got a friend?”

“I’ll see you at the staff meeting, Michael,” I scold, and I look away from him into my computer monitor. I hear him chuckle as he takes off down the hall.

Six

Elizabeth

“I can’t believe you’re using your one kid-free day to hang out with me.” Lisa peals out of my driveway and heads toward the Highland Park bridge. We’re heading to the mall together, just the two of us. I try to think if we’ve ever been able to do this before.

Whenever we’ve gone to the mall together, it’s been for the boys’ Pinewood Derby competitions or to take turns watching the kids while we bought them all school shoes. Lisa’s husband, Ashish, has all three of her boys out for a bike ride today. Lisa claims she needs new clothes for work, but when she called to see if I was up for a trip to Nordstrom, I suspect she really wants to outfit me for the job search she’s certain I’ll rock.

“Who else would I spend time with?” I bat my eyes at her and sip my coffee.

“Oh, I don’t know,” she says, turning onto the highway at the end of the bridge. “Sexy McStretch across the street, for instance.”

I cluck my tongue at her. “Geeze, Lisa, we haven’t even spoken since that day in the driveway. He keeps really different hours from me, I think.”

“I’m mostly kidding,” she says. “How did pickup go for Jake yesterday?”

I roll my eyes and tell her how Todd was four minutes late, which of course set Jake on edge. He gets very frustrated when schedules are not kept, and Todd of course refuses to acknowledge that time commitments are important to Jake, even if they’re just going to get pizza and watch Star Wars together. “I mean, I know I don’t have to explain to you how Jake is working so hard on his rigidity.” Lisa nods. “But come on! The kid just moved to a new home and you’re going to be late?”

We curse Todd together. Jake hasn’t checked in yet today, and I try to remind myself that he would call if he felt upset. No news is good news. She must see me twisting my hands together around the coffee cup, because she reaches over and gives my hand a squeeze.