Page 42 of Retrofit Analysis

“Which success is that, babe?” I assume Jake’s going to talk about the chess tournament, where he was doing poorly and accepted his loss with grace.

“I made a new friend,” Jake says, shrugging. I nod, conceding that this is indeed a big victory. New people come with new and unfamiliar expectations. I assume Jake is referencing someone from high school, since he’s talked so much about his new video game companions.

We pull into the lot and start to walk toward the building when I see Kellen Brady standing there with his hands in his pockets. “You came!” Jake jumps up on the curb and approaches Kellen, beaming.

“Couldn’t turn down such a dazzling invitation,” Kellen says. I’m so stunned to see him here that I freeze. I stand in silence, just starting at Kellen as Jake starts bouncing impatiently.

“Mom,” he says. “We are not going to get a desirable seat.”

“Why don’t you go in and save us three,” Kellen suggests, dropping a hand briefly on Jake’s shoulder. Jake frowns.

“Is saving seats fair? Does that violate a social custom?”

“We’ll be right behind you,” I say, gesturing with my head. Jake nods and goes inside, grabbing programs from the table and making a beeline for the common room. All the chairs will be placed in a circle around the room so everyone can see everyone else. There’s only five teens in the group, but Jake has ideas about the most desired seat in the circle. Who am I to argue?

“Jake texted me to invite me,” Kellen says, hands in his pockets, looking awkward. “You said I’d always be welcome if Jake wanted to include me…”

I nod, quickly. “I…just didn’t know he’d done that.” So much is unsaid between us and I’m still rattled by the argument from the other night. “I don’t know what to say, Kellen.”

He breathes out of his nose and leans on the building. “What if you don’t need to say anything just now,” he suggests. “What if I just sit beside you and you know I’m here for you when you’re ready?”

I feel a lump in my throat again and start to wonder if eventually I’ll choke on all these big emotions that have been surfacing for me lately. “But why, Kellen? Why are you here?”

He grins. “I can’t stay away, Beth,” he says. “I feel more myself when I’m with you.”

I feel a flush spread over my body, a warmth I can’t identify. I feel the same, safer with him, like things make sense. “I don’t want to be a special project for you, Kellen,” I tell him, swallowing down the lump.

He shakes his head. “You’re not a project, Beth. You’re my inspiration.” He reaches for my leg, his fingers tracing the spot where my ivy tattoo marks my thigh. “I’ve been thinking about what you said about that ivy, how ivy can indeed spread and thrive on the ground. But you know what? If it wants to climb, it needs a trellis. It needs support.”

I feel a tear sneak out and I roll my eyes at how often I’ve been crying this week. “God, that’s a nice metaphor, Kellen.” I huff out a laugh.

“You’re sure it’s not a euphemism?” He hooks his mouth into a grin and reaches for my hand. “Come on,” he says. “Show me what this place is all about.”

We head inside and find Jake spread eagle, his hands and legs blocking off a chair on either side of him. Kellen and I sit, flanking him, and Kellen wraps a long arm around the back of the chair, cradling both Jake and I in his safe embrace.

The group facilitator reviews the kids’ achievements over the past few months, talking about how hard it can be for autistic teens to face the unexpected and carry on when so much around them does not make sense. “But these guys did it,” she says, “And you’re about to hear their takeaways.”

The teens share their victories, describing brave forays into sports tryouts and after-school job interviews. When it’s Jake’s turn to talk, he stands and describes his move to a new neighborhood and a new school. “And that’s where I made a new friend,” he says, gesturing to Kellen. I listen to my son describe what it meant for him to meet someone who helps him problem solve. “He helps with homework and knows what to do when my plans get canceled,” Jake shares. “And even though my mother is not engaging in sexual intercourse with him, he still shows up when it’s important.”

My jaw drops and I hide my face behind my hands. I feel Kellen adjust in his chair, clearing his throat. “Thank you, Jake,” Miss Amy says when Jake finishes speaking. “We’re all so glad you formed a new friendship this fall.” She starts to lead a round of applause and I feel the chair shake as my son sits back down.

“Thank you for attending tonight, Kellen,” Jake says as he sits.

“You bet,” Kellen tells him, and I see his jaw set as he tries to maintain control without laughing.

The ceremony ends and the teens disappear to play air hockey in the lounge, leaving the parents to swarm over to me. A collective laugh bursts from everyone in the room as they all seem to say “intercourse,” together at once. Miss Amy places a hand on my shoulder and assures me they’ll discuss healthy sexual relationships in the winter session.

“He’ll be here for it,” Kellen says, and then turns toward me. “I’m sorry,” he says. “That’s not for me to determine.”

“Oh, he’ll be here,” I say. “Not sure if I’ll be able to show my face here again, but Jake will be here.”

“Aw, come on,” Amy says. She winks at Kellen. “There’s not a person here tonight who isn’t rooting for you to change your mind and mate with this fox.”

I wish the earth would open up and swallow me, and I’m relieved when the other parents leave us alone to go grab cookies and lemonade. “So,” Kellen says, brushing my hair back from my forehead. I feel a trail of sparks behind his touch.

“So,” I say. I sigh. “This is all really new for me.” He nods. “It really matters to me that you showed up tonight. And the other afternoon. You weren’t meddling.”

“I’m here, Beth. I’m here for you and Jake.”