Page 29 of Retrofit Analysis

“Make me forget,” she whispers. So I do. I make her forget until I, too, forget what drew me over here, which was that I wanted her to let me in to her worries. I can’t help but feel there is something she’s holding back. But by the time we hide in her garage, frantically wrestling to get her up on the washer so I can slide my hands down the front of her jeans, well. I forget everything else and sink into the physical sensation of being with her.

Twenty-Three

Elizabeth

It’s like Kellen and I knocked over a hive, and a swarm of energetic passion bees buzzes between us. Every evening after he gets home from work, he comes over and we make out. Once Jake gets situated in his room with his video games in the evening, I sneak over to Kellen’s and we make out.

I’m shocked at what a stress relief it is to sneak around and make out with my…is he my boyfriend? Do 50 year old women say the word “boyfriend”? I feel a slight twinge of guilt that I’m not actively working on more with him than the physical stuff, but as I spend my days sending messages back and forth with my lawyer and prepping to fight for Jake, the physical release is what I need most.

We kiss and we touch and he makes me come without ever taking off my clothes. I give him hand jobs in his kitchen, both of us fully dressed with just his zipper opened. It’s messy and raw and everything I need. After a week of this petting and pawing, I thought I’d feel less obsessed but I find I can barely concentrate throughout the day. I think about showing up at Kellen’s office wearing nothing but a trench coat. I think about positioning myself naked on his bed so he comes home from work, slides off his tie, and startles, finding me there in his bed.

But of course, reality shows up. Kellen’s family needs his guidance and security. Jake needs my help with his Spanish homework. Lisa needs me to listen while she vents about her sons peeing on the bathroom floor. And walls.

I have no idea how that happens. Jake isn’t exactly tidy, but he’s not peeing on my walls.

“Anyway,” Lisa says after she screams at the men in her house. “Enough about my piss walls. What’s going on over there.”

I debate what to tell Lisa.

I still haven’t been fully up front with her about Kellen because I don’t yet know what we are to each other. We’ve had stolen time alone together, sneaking like teenagers. But we haven’t had intentional time, planned to be together, where I can talk to him. Maybe I’m to blame for all of that because I keep reaching for his pants when we are together.

“I have no idea if Todd will show up for his custody time on Friday,” I eventually tell Lisa.

She scoffs. “Of course he won’t. Fucker. What’s the next thing that happens with court?”

“I don’t know, actually. I’m sort of thinking Todd will want to make a big show of being an involved dad now? I don’t know. I just don’t know. My lawyer was sort of vague about what I should expect. I hate this.”

“You’re telling me,” she says. “My eyes are burning from the ammonia smell.”

“Are you still talking about the piss?”

“Yeah, I mean the human piss stain that is your ex-husband,” she says. She’s quiet for a bit and I think she’s maybe scrubbing or spraying a cleaner around. “So did you bang the silver fox yet?”

“Lisa! No,” I respond quickly. Though I wish I had slept with Kellen. I want to get naked and rub my skin against his and feel that beautiful, raw fullness of having a man inside me.

“Have you been using the cream?” She doesn’t miss a chance to emphasize vaginal health. “Get Jake one of those gamer headsets for his Among Us rounds and bag the fox.”

“I’m working on it,” I say, and we hang up because I hear Jake mounting the steps on the way home from school.

I can tell by his face he’s upset about something. “What’s up, babe?”

He growls at me. “I have an 89% in Physics.”

I close my eyes and take a deep breath. Jake is a perfectionist. If he feels he should be getting a higher grade than that, he will become mired in frustration and things will snowball until he’s not able to complete any of the work. “Is there a concept you need help with?”

“You said you don’t understand any of it. You said I surpassed you years ago with math and science.” I nod. Jake shoulders past me into the kitchen and gulps down a glass of water. “I am trying to use my strategies.”

“I know you are, sweetheart. Let’s talk this through. Was it one assignment that took your average down or a slow creep?”

He takes a breath, closes his eyes. “Slow creep. I have been missing approximately five points per homework assignment.”

“And it’s actual wrong answers, not something like rushing and forgetting a decimal or something?”

He rolls his eyes and I’m worried I lost him. If he thinks I’m nagging or scolding, rather than seeking information, he will detonate. I decide it’s time for another partner session with Amy, his therapist. He’s been seeing her alone lately and I haven’t been privy to any new strategies or triggers. Jake grips the edge of the counter. “I’ll never get back on track. I will never get accepted into MIT. I will never be a scientist.”

“Oh, Jake, I know it seems that way. Let me think for a minute about what we can do.”

“Why don’t you know more about physics?”