Page 207 of The Incendiary

Instead, I heard Ezra’s voice, and resignation settled heavily in my bones.

Just do the right thing for everyone.

I’d tried to prove myself without a crown on my head. In some ways I’d succeeded. In others, I’d failed. I didn’t want to bend to anyone else’s will or be used. But I’d failed to protect Ezra, and with Simeon growing weaker, I feared I would fail to protect them all.

There were flaws among these people, but I’d also seen the good. Marrying Elias was an action I could take to make these people feel secure in the face of an unsure future. Maybe loving and protecting those who loved me was loving myself, because I wasn’t sure I could bear any more loss.

“Fine.” I stood from my chair at the head of the table and imagined Nevelin’s ice through my veins, just to still the trembling. I couldn’t look Elias in the eyes as I calmly ordered, “Make the arrangements.”

Before I could fall apart and change my mind, I left the room. Elias trailed behind me, but once we were out of earshot, I said over my shoulder, “Please don’t follow me.”

He didn’t.

SIXTY-ONE

ARYELLA

When someone from the Caves died, their body was placed in a casket and entombed in the south wing after a funeral in the main hall. In that hall was the throne they’d just finished building for me. The morning before Ezra’s funeral, Elias took me to see it for the first time. It sat at the front of the room, centered on top of a multi-tiered platform, undeniably breathtaking. Wooden, meticulously carved with flowers and symbols for all twelve of the gods, and coated with gold.

“Can you make it silver?” I asked Elias. When he asked me why, I didn’t have a sensible answer, only that silver reminded me of Gavin Smyth. He told me he would see what he could do.

Today, I insisted that the throne would remain empty. I didn’t want to mourn Ezra as his queen, but as his friend.

The others killed in Molochai’s attack were being buried and mourned today, too, but Ezra’s mother, Nyla, wept the most. If it could take her pain away, I would endure Molochai’s shadows slicing beneath my skin for months on end. I would return to the floor of that shower. I would take their fists to my face and their boots to my ribs and their blade to my thighs. I wished there was something I could do rather than break into her mind with Effusia’s power and force peace upon her.

Though if she requested it, I would do that for her, too.

As I stood among friends and remembered his blood on my hands and his final plea to put our people first, as I thought of everything that had happened over the previous eight months, one thing was clear to me: I would still give my life to end this. If it came to that, I would stand before the gods and beg them to send me to wherever his soul rested.

Through the funeral, I stood with Gemma on one side holding my hand, and Marin on the other. When Marin began to sing, her voice was like the chime of a bell carried on a gentle gust of wind, her song curled around my heart and soothed the ever-present ache.

When Marin threaded her fingers through mine, her voice sharpened with an edge of anger. Maybe she could feel everything I felt because she was everything I once had been. A wife. A mother. Or maybe my emotions leaked out of me through Effusia’s power. Either way, her fury mirrored my own.

I had spent the last eight months doubting whether I could do any of this.

You can. And you will.

I closed my eyes and reached for him. When I found the strongest, safest place, the one where I held his memory and felt his fire, I found that it wasn’t just his voice that spoke to me, it was Marin’s voice, too. And Gemma. The twins, Finn and Caz.

I felt alone without him, but I wasn’t.

I managed to remain composed until the end of the ceremony, when people filtered silently from the hall. Elias led me back to his room, a lavish suite filled with crimson and gold furniture, a fireplace twice the size of my own, a dark oak, four-poster bed, and elaborate artwork lining the rocky walls.

At least it was warm.

I sat against the headboard with my knees tucked into my chest and listened to him talk about Ezra. While he talked, he leaned lazily against the bedpost, lightly sipping wine. He offered me a glass, but I couldn’t make myself more vulnerable, or I would crumble more than I already had.

“He used to follow me around like a little brother,” chuckled Elias. “My little sister, Willa, had a crush on him for the longest time. Lou always made fun of her for it.” Elias’s sad face was brightened with a wide smile. “He was a good kid.”

“Ezra loved you,” I muttered. There hadn’t been enough time for me to get to know Ezra as much as I would have liked. My lies and his resentment had gotten in the way of that over the last few months. Now, it was too late. But I did know he adored his commander.

When I looked up, I found his eyes locked on my fingers as they mindlessly, unknowingly, fidgeted with the ring still chained around my neck.

“Are you ever going to tell me the real reason you wear that ring?” Elias pushed off from the bedpost and sat down beside me. “Or where the other one went?”

It wasn’t a threat, but my body stiffened like it was. I was desperate to protect and keep that part of myself sacred. One day, I’d tell Elias everything. It was only right. He was about to become my husband in this life, even though my heart recoiled at the word.

“You’ll get a ring tomorrow.” He took my hand, and the ring fell from my fingers and back to my chest. I wetted my lips, and his eyes dropped there. It was easier to tolerate him staring at my mouth than my eyes. When he investigated the latter, I didn’t know what truths he might find.