Page 188 of The Incendiary

“I won’t. I’ve caused enough damage between us.” My lips parted in shock, and his eyes went there. His strong shoulders rose and fell with a heavy sigh. “Come here.” He pulled my stiff body into his chest, rested his chin on the top of my head, and held tight. I let him, ashamed of how easily my walls came back down. But the heat of his body was just enough to relax mine.

When he muttered, “Gods, what did he do to you, Ary?” into my hair, I didn’t have the energy to pull away. Right now, Elias was here, and he was strong enough to keep me from shattering. Just for a few minutes, I let my mind be quiet.

When he took me back to my room, Shera and I went in alone. I crawled into bed, tucked Gavin’s black sweater to my chest, pillows and the wolf pelt to my back, laid as still as possible, and pretended I was somewhere else. While my umbra warmed my feet, I closed my eyes and prayed for sleep.

I had thought losing Gavin was the worst pain I would ever feel.

It wasn’t.

Losing him and our child was.

FIFTY-FOUR

ARYELLA

For the next two months, Simeon continued to withhold knowledge while threatening to reveal my true feelings about “the Butcher of Nyrida” to everyone if I didn’t keep up with training. It might have been an empty threat. Revealing my secrets would only lead me to reveal his, but it wasn’t a risk I was willing to take. I needed to keep Gavin’s memory safe.

The time spent with him was by far the worst time of every day. Nonetheless, I dragged myself between Simeon’s study to briefings and meetings with the Elders who governed the Caves. For the latter, Elias remained by my side. On the rare occasion that my presence wasn’t in high demand, I spent time with Damond, Gemma, the Sinclairs, and the twins, separately or all at once.

I preferred all at once, just so I could sit and listen and laugh. Gemma was tired and vomiting a lot, but they were all a welcome and jovial distraction. Especially Damond, Caz, and Mavic. In one room? These days, that was as close as I could get to feeling I was home.

Ezra would still barely look at me, no matter how many times I tried.

Around Simeon, I made myself numb. I only asked him questions about my powers, never my past. Distancing myself emotionally felt like the only way to survive.

Some people were starting to ask why no wedding was scheduled. I heard whispers of people wondering why neither Elias nor I were ever seen leaving the other’s quarters in the mornings, even though he gave them assurances that all was well between us. We felt like partners in a display. To everyone else, we were expected to be an item. Emotionally and physically, we were far from together.

Thankfully, he was gracious about my unwillingness to be intimate. That part of me felt… dead.

He was probably miserable, but I wasn’t going to give in just to relieve him. When we were alone, we fell into a comfortable silence or discussed plans to rearrange our forces and provide better protection to our people. He didn’t push me like he did when I was Fera from Brinnea. He didn’t ask to spar. He didn’t demand I yield in any way. He was almost… too compliant. While it was a relief because I was often so exhausted from pretending to be whole, I hated that he treated me differently as Ary instead of Fera. Sometimes, I missed the bold and playful banter we used to share.

Every day, I recited Gavin’s words to myself. His knowledge, his praise, his love lived inside my mind. Keeping him with me felt as easy as breathing. The memory of him became my fuel. When I wasn’t playing “queen” or with my friends, I spent most days in the gardens or the library. Gardening was tiring, monotonous work, but it was rewarding to watch life sprout up from the dirt.

Until everything got harder. Until the initial drive to be a good queen began to dull and I had to force myself to get out of bed in the morning.

It was even worse when I let myself think about the baby.

I thought that time would help. It didn’t. In fact, time was like a tarnish on silver. My forced smile lost its luster a little more each day, no matter how hard I fought against it. I never missed him any less than the day before, but I pressed on. I got up every day. There was only one day that I pretended to be ill and refused to leave my room or see or speak with anyone but Damond and Gemma.

The thirteenth of Helios. His birthday.

I knew it was pathetic, but I didn’t care. It was the one day the entire summer that I allowed myself to truly sulk and weep. I told people I was sick to my stomach and didn’t want to be spoken to, heard, touched or seen. I spent most of the day curled up on the wolf pelt in the dark. I even turned Mavic and Mina away when they came to see me. They worried too much, and I couldn’t explain myself.

“I’m sure you agree, Your Highness,” said one of the Elders, and I was dragged back to the present.

Under the council table, Elias gave my knee a gentle squeeze. There was no playfulness in it. Just a quiet nudge so no one else could see that I needed my betrothed to drag me out of my own thoughts. I looked up and forced my ears to listen, but I had no idea what the Elders were now discussing. It had become second nature to shut out the noise. I barely spoke these days, and even when I was silent, everything felt so loud.

“I—” A glance at Eli, who gave a barely decipherable nod. “Yes, I agree.” When I abruptly stood from the table, the others scrambled to follow. “If you’ll excuse me, I have to meet with Simeon.” Lies. We were planning on starting my training in how to cast wards tomorrow, so I’d taken today off. “Commander Winterton can relay the rest to me later.”

I felt their eyes trailing me as I left the room, but when I stepped into the hallway, I breathed a little easier.

“What I wouldn’t give to have you with me right now,” I whispered to Gavin. I still did that a lot. Spoke to him, holding out hope for a reply.

Absent-mindedly, I rubbed at my neck. It was bruised—the cold hands had returned the previous night. Every few days, it was the same. The only difference was I was getting even better at using Autumna’s power of camouflage, so no one saw the bruises but me.

I knew I should tell Simeon what was happening, but his refusal to do the same held me back.

“Did you have a plan before you ran out of there, or will we be spending the afternoon in the hallway?” Shera walked up beside me and broke through my thoughts.