Page 171 of The Incendiary

I let out another breath I didn’t realize I’d been holding. “Elias, I’m⁠—”

“Why?” he demanded. “Why? You owe me an explanation.”

“And I can explain.”

But he rose to his feet and began to pace, leading me to believe he wasn’t quite ready for my explanation. “You’re… her.” His eyes were drowning in a whirlpool of emotions: rage, despair, joy, relief. All at once. “You’ve been her this whole time.”

“I’ve been me,” I corrected him. “Just with different-colored hair and eyes.”

He scowled and stopped mid-pace. “We thought you were dead, and I had no reason to believe you were someone else.” He ran his aggravated hands through his normally perfect hair, his face twisting with pain and betrayal. “We mourned you. I mourned you! How could you let me believe you were dead?”

“You were mourning an idea, Elias. You’d never even met me.”

“But I’ve been waiting for you my whole life!” he shouted, causing me to flinch. “My sole purpose since the day I was born has been to become your commander and your husband!”

The spiteful side of me wanted to ask what he’d really waited for. We both knew he hadn’t held out anything for me besides marriage. And what did he really know about waiting? What was twenty-six years compared to four hundred and two?

I also didn’t want to embark on whatever our future would be with one of us in the dark. But if I told him all my truths, he would know that my heart could never fully be his. For now, I decided to tell him just enough that he might understand. In time, I would tell him everything.

“Almost a year ago, I woke up without any memories of the first nineteen and a half years of my life. I didn’t remember Elowen or Phillip or Oliver. It was as if I was meeting them for the first time.”

His brows knit together. “What?” He lowered himself back into the chair at my bedside, so we faced each other, knees touching. “How?”

“I was told that I fell,” I explained.

Elias narrowed his eyes. He didn’t believe it. I should never have believed it at the time, either.

“I felt like I didn’t even know myself. And then Gemma and the others showed up and told me this story about the prophecy”—a lie—“and how I was supposed to wield the power of the gods and save us all from Molochai. I was starving and scared and I went along with it, because I didn’t feel like I had a choice.”

And because of him. Because something inexplicable within me was desperate to go with him.

“I needed to figure out where I fit in all this without the burden of some preconceived idea of who I was supposed to be,” I went on. “And I’m sorry it took lying to you to achieve that.”

“A burden,” he scoffed and shook his head. “I see.”

“Even you said that it’s not easy having your entire life planned out for you,” I rushed out in defense. “I needed to prove myself. To you, to Simeon, to Elowen, to your grandparents, to Valda. To everyone.” I dropped my hands in my lap, shrugging helplessly. “And to myself.”

There was only one person in this world who I’d never truly felt the need to prove myself to, who’d loved me exactly as I was.

“If I was going to sacrifice my heart, my life,” I pleaded, “then I needed this one thing for me.”

“Sacrifice your heart?” Elias winced and tore his rejection-filled eyes away. “Well, you more than proved yourself, Aryella.” He leaned back in his seat. “You’re far more than we could have asked for.”

My lips parted in shock. “You don’t hate me for it, then.”

“Am I angry?” he snapped. “Yes. Do I feel like an idiot? I sure fucking do. But as you said, I know exactly how it feels to have only one path. Your life has been no different.” He rubbed his hand over his jaw. “I can’t say I blame you. I’ve acted out in my own ways, as you have unfortunately seen. So how in the hell could I ever hate you?”

I stared at him, speechless. I’d been expecting more of his wrath, even if I didn’t deserve to receive it after what had happened between us.

“There are some people who want to see you,” Elias continued. “I’ll take you to them or bring them here, but as far as venturing out into the main areas, I think it’s best that you stick with me.”

My stomach dropped. “Why?”

Elias paused, carefully choosing his next words. “So many saw what you can do. Word spreads quickly, and people are a bit unsettled. Relieved, of course, but alarmed. We need to come up with a plan.”

“We?”

“Yes.” He folded his hands in his lap and nodded. “We.”