Page 5 of AJ’s Fire

“No, no. Ignore me. All I’m saying is that you’ve managed to defy expectations and forge your own life, and I’m proud of you for it. I mean, look at you.” Emily turned the conversation away from business as her hand found my upper arm again, and as I thought more about what I might want out of life, and who I might want it with. “You used to be such a scrawny kid.” She squeezed my bicep. “Ungh! All these beefy fireman muscles.”

“Firefighter, Ems. No one at the station is stronger than our lieutenant, and LT’s name is Freeda.”

“Oops. Right, firefighter. Got it.”

Emily took a sip of her drink; we were a good three or four in at that point, and she let out this frustrated growl. “Ugh! Jackson! I spend all my time with either corporate types or actors, or these days, realtors.” She mimicked falling asleep, her head drooping to one side, her eyes closed. She popped back up, looking as if a light bulb had just gone off over her head.

“I need to meet a beefy firefighter!” She stared at me expectantly, and I guess I just assumed, based on all her talk about us becoming a power couple, that she was realizing that I was a beefy firefighter.

Hooking up with Emily was not how I had thought the night was going to go, but she had planted the seed with all her merger talk. I looked at my friend with new eyes as I started to think about it.

I hadn’t gotten very far in searching my feelings before she continued. “What about that guy, AJ, that you’re always talking about? I bet he’s hot. Hell, the way you’ve gone on about him tonight, I can tell he is.” She must have seen something in my face as she continued.

“Oh, shit, Jax. Are you two, like … dating or whatever? You could have told me! Are you, like, on the down-low because, you know … firefighter.” She whispered the last word for dramatic effect, and it was the second time in a few short months that I was taken aback by the question. It made me feel even more lightheaded than I had after my last pull from the beer I was drinking.

“Me … AJ? … Um, what did you say?”

“I asked if that AJ guy you’ve been talking about incessantly is your boyfriend or whatever.”

My heart started to race, and my ears hummed. Emily looked at me so expectantly, and, it seemed, hopefully. I, on the other hand, was busy feeling like I’d just experienced whiplash. I tried to sort through everything.

Ignoring all the talk of AJ and boyfriends or whatever, I asked Emily a question.

“Did you know our parents are trying to throw us back together?”

“Oh, Jax, get over it! They’re always trying to set us up. The merger will get negotiated whether they get a photo op out of the two of us or not. Just between you and me, my dad and my uncle are as excited about it as your parents are.

“You and I have avoided being their pawns for this long, and we will continue to avoid it. What did I just say about you being your own man? I certainly don’t want my parents, or yours, all up in my dating life.”

“But how come we never dated, Ems?”

“Oh, well. I mean, I know we never talked about it, but it’s because you’re gay, right? I mean, your parents thought we were dating, and you never corrected them. I didn’t mind, because it kept my parents off my back too.” She leaned in close and lowered her voice. “And you never really dated back then, so I assumed you were gay. I thought it was, like, our little secret, just, you know, so secret we never even talked about it.”

“Gay.” I tried the word on for size and a flood of memories washed over me, like the heat from a fire as I ran up to it. All of the guys whom I’d thought of as objectively hot over the years. All those nights, out with AJ, cruising for women, taking them home, but then hanging out with AJ again the next day. Both of us agreeing that we loved our lifestyles and weren’t looking for anything more serious, how lucky it was that we found women interested in the same. I enjoyed my hookups, there was no doubt about that. But then again, I’d always known that guys were attractive too. Guys like AJ.

Since moving to Brooklyn, I hadn’t needed anything more than nights out with AJ, working with AJ, talking with AJ, going to the gym with AJ, babysitting his niece … with AJ. Other than hooking up with women and attending the occasional social event for my parents, I realized most of my time had been spent with him.

“Jax? I’m sorry if I got it wrong. Did you … do you think we should date? It would certainly make our parents very happy. And I guess it couldn’t hurt where the merger is concerned, especially if you were willing to come back to work.”

“I work, Ems.”

“You know that’s not what I meant, Jax. But do you … do you think we should go out?”

“No.” I couldn’t keep the surprise out of my voice. It sounded like I was just realizing it because I was just then realizing it. My partying lifestyle had been perfect because hooking up with women meant I didn’t have to date … anyone. Not someone who could advance my parents’ ambitions, and not someone who might be after my fortune, and not, definitely not, an objectively hot guy.

A memory caught hold as I sat opposite Emily and contemplated my life. It had been my first day on the job at Station Five. After going over things for a long time with the chief, he took me on a tour of the facility, introducing me to the team along the way. As we were wrapping up, we walked into an open bay, a gleaming red truck pulled out so the crew could wash it.

The chief introduced me around, and once I had met the last person there, he yelled, clearly exasperated, “Where’s Gordon?”

The group chuckled. “We sent him for coffee, Chief. Don’t worry, we’re leaving that side for him to wash.”

Just then he walked in, holding a tray of coffee and smiling, having heard the exchange. He had dark-brown hair that I was pretty sure was longer than regulations allowed and dark-brown eyes. He was a little taller than me and much broader, his FDNY T-shirt stretched and strained over his chest and biceps. His department-issued pants hugged his thighs, the various pockets bulging and making his wide stance even wider. He had a full beard, neatly trimmed and kept close. He’d come from the café across the street, which sat low between two mid-rise buildings, allowing the sunlight to focus behind him, bathing him in a shimmering glow. My body seemed to glow along with it.

His rich eyes crinkled around the corners when he smiled at the chief, which made me think he was a few years older than me. Up close in the brilliant sunlight, I could see the first flecks of gray in his beard.

“Happy to do my part, team. And around here, supplying coffee is a pretty fucking important part.”

As if to prove the point, the other crew members crowded around us to grab their drinks off the cardboard tray in his hands.