Page 55 of AJ’s Fire

Looking at that photo, I came to realize that I really had always wanted that same kind of connection. When had I given up on my own happily ever after? Back when I was still young enough to idol worship my older brother, my preadolescent brain had assumed that Anna’s sister, Rose, and I should be together. Our middle school years allayed us both of that notion, and we’d been friends until Jamie’s marriage and Vera made us family.

Had I simply given up after that? Jamie and Anna were so idealized; hell, for that matter, so were my dad and Nat. Even my mother and her husband had a great relationship. All true partnerships, all examples of real love.

How could I have lived up to any of those relationships?

Staring at my smiling brother and his happy wife, I knew in my heart that a real relationship was within my reach. Was I prepared to give up if Jackson pulled away, or if he was never ready, or if he decided that he wanted to keep playing the field? What if he found someone else? I could barely think about any of those options.

I sat there, my body more relaxed and sated than I had ever been, yet my mind a chaotic mess. When I heard the key in the door, I admit I was relieved that Jamie was home, and I would have someone to talk to even if only in the abstract.

“Devon’s not coming home for dinner, Daddy?” was the first thing I heard as my brother and niece walked in the door. I could picture them peeling off coats and shoes in the hallway, and I waited at my place on the couch.

“No, princess, he’s still working.”

Vera emerged in the entryway. “Uncle AJ! Are you staying for dinner? We’re having pizza.” She was climbing on top of me before I could answer. “Can we draw? Or color? Oh, no, I’m going to build a house.”

She clambered off the couch as quickly as she’d climbed on, her father watching her from the entryway.

“Hey. Any issues today?”

Were there issues? That was the question, wasn’t it? My time with Jackson had felt so right, yet when he left I felt as lost and confused as I had for months, so yeah, I thought there were issues. Jamie, of course, was talking about the bed.

“All set up.” A clouded look washed over Jamie’s face. The kind of look he used to have back when Vera’s mother was alive, and he worried that she was overworking herself. That Devon kid, interning at the same firm as Anna, had me worried that it was hitting too close to home for my brother.

Shit, maybe it wasn’t the right time to dump my problems on Jamie. Especially when I thought about what Jackson had said. How could I talk about him and keep it secret at the same time? Jamie knew me too well. He’d see right through that. Jackson and I were just going to have to figure our shit out on our own. It only worried me a little when I thought about the fact that we hadn’t managed to do so in the past five years.

I decided not to even mention that Jax had been there. “Josh’s friend is all set.” There was that look again. “Your new roomie can have the whole floor to himself and be out of your hair.”

“He’s not in my hair,” Jamie said emphatically but also sort of mumbled as he walked toward the kitchen. “You want another beer?”

We had pizza, and as predicted, I was entertained by my brother muttering along to a very dramatic song sung by a cartoon princess while his own little princess played with her building bricks on the carpet.

The two had talked about Josh’s friend incessantly at dinner, but I was no closer to figuring out exactly what was bothering Jamie.

“Uncle AJ, look what Devon made me!” Vera held up a brick-made car before immediately going back to driving it around the carpet.

Jamie tried to brush it off that he and Vera were excited to have a guest in the house that wasn’t a family member, but I asked him how he was feeling and if having Devon there reminded him of Anna’s days working for the same firm. It had been a struggle for Jamie to see his wife be so ambitious and to put in so many hours. The guy staying with them was just some friend of Josh’s, but if it upset Jamie, I wanted to be there for him. When he admitted that it did, I was even more convinced that I didn’t need to burden my brother with my secret. Jamie had worked so hard over the past years to get to a good place. I didn’t want to see him slip.

He was putting Vera on a plane in a few days with her Aunt Rose and would be home alone, except for the new roomie, all week.

“Uncle AJ, Aunt Rose is taking me to Florida.”

“I know, kiddo. You’re going to have so much fun!”

“And Daddy said he would take me to the zoo tomorrow as a special day for just him and me before I go. But you can come if you want.”

I looked at my brother. “The zoo? In the middle of winter?”

“They have indoor exhibits. And the weather’s not going to be too terrible tomorrow.”

“Sounds like a fun day, princess, but I can’t tomorrow. I’ll see you when you get back.”

I thought maybe a new project would be a good focus for Jamie as well as for Jackson and me. Emily had offered financial support for our charity event, and maybe it wasn’t too late to set my brother up with someone. It hadn’t worked out with Ruth, but maybe it would between Jamie and Emily. As an ulterior motive, I figured since Emily knew about Jackson, it might be a safe first outing for us to hang out with her.

Emily and I had texted back and forth and determined that the following Friday was the first day we could get our New Year’s Eve group back together. Since Jackson’s work schedule was the same as my own, I knew he’d be free.

Jamie seemed hesitant at first but eventually agreed that he wouldn’t be a rude host to his temporary roommate by going out on a Friday night. The fact that we were having that conversation on a Friday night, and Devon wasn’t around, was proof of that. Why those points seemed to make Jamie more, not less, concerned confounded me, but at least he’d agreed to join me.

“Maybe Jackson will join us,” I muttered into my beer, not quite able to keep the emotion out of my tone, which made me realize that Jackson’s concerns about us being seen together might not have been unfounded.